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“Serves no porpoise” (Dolphin therapy)

DOLPHIN
If cerebral palsy or a neck tumor is getting you down, splash around with marine mammals for a while and you’ll start to mend. That’s the idea behind therapy that uses dolphins, or less frequently porpoises, to treat mental and physical ailments. It is for those with plenty of disposable income and a supple definition of medicine.

A week’s worth of therapy runs about $3,000, but can appeal to desperate parents. Proponents assert that playing with intelligent, ever-smiling creatures will be beneficial, either by itself, or at least set one on the road to recovery. Some therapies consist solely of frolicking with captive dolphins, while others also incorporate traditional therapy. The latter makes it impossible to know how much of the good the animals are responsible for.

Precisely what the marine mammals are supposed to improve varies by practitioner. The list of alleviated ailments includes brain and spinal injuries, chronic pain, Down’s Syndrome, autism, epilepsy, learning disorders, chronic fatigue, and depression. The most astounding claim I unearthed was the assertion that it revived a comatose child. This seemingly would have necessitated either unhooking the youngster from medical equipment and submerging him in water, or bringing the dolphin into a hospital room. Another boasted that “Two weeks of dolphin therapy gives significantly greater improvement than six months of conventional therapy.”

Besides unsubstantiated claims, proponents also employ linguistic tactics, almost never promising a cure, but rather mitigation or alleviation. Also, most of the practitioners focus on complex cognitive-behavioral conditions, making it difficult to assess the level of improvement.

In fairness, there has been one random, controlled, dolphin-assisted therapy study published in a peer-reviewed journal, and the results were positive. However, this dealt with depression patients, and there was no follow up, a rather crucial omission considering the condition. The study also lasted just two weeks and featured only 25 patients. Other than this, all evidence is anecdotal, and there have been no other controlled studies. A key point is that double blind studies will remain impossible until science develops dolphin cyborgs.

The most extensive review of marine mammal therapy claims was made by Emory University professors Lori Marino and Scott Lilienfeld. They perused several studies and concluded that researchers made exaggerated, unprovable claims. The research used flawed methods, small sample sizes, and inadequate controls.

There are plenty of anecdotes from dolphin therapists and patients’ parents. But which is more likely: That a dolphin’s bioenergy force field assuaged an autistic child’s condition, or that the child was made a little happier owing to perfect weather, gorgeous scenery, and playing with esthetically-pleasing creatures? Marino and Lilienfeld noted that the reported improvements were broad, lacked specifics, were limited to feel-good ideas, and featured no follow-up. Besides the Emory duo, German researchers found that none of the purported studies satisfied the minimum standards for clinical trials.

Despite the scant proof it works, there are multiple guesses for how it does. Some practitioners cite the emitting of healing energy vibrations or speculate that dolphins cause the two sides of the human brain to synchronize. Another guess is that sonar has medical properties. Then we have the idea that high frequency dolphin communication alters human brain waves. Some guess ultrasound does it, but dolphins only emit at that level for 10 seconds, far too short to be beneficial. Besides, if that worked, the patient could just use ultrasound therapy, which would be much cheaper and come without pruned skin. My favorite advertisement promoted “cellular communication and healing” and “intergalactic journeying.” One therapist claimed she could put her hand over a dolphin’s photo and the other hand on the patient, transmitting the recuperative powers to the afflicted. This method allows her to eliminate the salt water and food supply costs that burden her competitors. The common ground for all these ideas is they are void of substantiating data.

One practitioner in Hawaii has announced that she hopes to employ a proactive approach. She wants to keep the conditions from occurring in the first place, by having women give birth in the ocean, with dolphins serving as midwives. So far, there have been no takers, human or dolphin.

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“Latter-Day Saint Bernard” (Mormonsim)

LATTERDAYSAINTBERNARD
Thanksgiving 2002 featured stuffing and yams, but was otherwise untraditional for me. It was in Hawaii, so there was no crisp air or colored leaves. My only family within 5,000 miles was my wife, so it lacked the usual reunions, festive atmosphere, and Nerf football games. And, unlike most turkey days, two Mormon missionaries showed up at my door.

I invited them in. I don’t recall their opening spiel, but know it failed to mention that God lives near the star Kolob with a harem of goddesses. From this celestial perch, he sires billions of spirit children, who assume fetus, angel, or demon form. God was also a man at one time, but elevated to deity status by being so Mormon. None of this was brought up, nor was the secret password they used to get into heaven while wearing protective nightshirts.

I did mention some of this to them, and to their credit, they acknowledged it. When pressed, they also expressed belief in an extreme form of evolution, as they thought they could in time become gods reigning over their own planet. Otherwise, it was a standard religious presentation, attempting to explain why we are here, where we are going, and what it all might mean.

We ended up becoming acquainted fairly well. They came over a couple of times when I hosted social gatherings. We enjoyed each other’s company and, as a bonus, they left the beer supply untouched. The one issue was that I wish they would have just concentrated on being people and not Mormons, although I realized they were literally on a mission. Once, they were trying to justify a position by reading the Book of Mormon and I grabbed the Bhagavad Gita and quoted from it. I noted these words would mean nothing to them since they weren’t Hindu and that their book meant nothing to me since I wasn’t Mormon.

Their book was authored by Joseph Smith, who claimed to have found golden plates inscribed with a long-forgotten language. When I asked the missionaries where these plates were, they told me God took them back. Smith translated the tablets to Martin Harris, who demanded a sheet be placed between he and the reader, out of fear of the plates. Mrs. Harris grew tired of this taking place in her house and snagged 116 pages’ worth of transcripts. She noted that if Smith had these plates, and the ability to translate them, he could to it again. Smith then received a new revelation in which God warned him evil men would get hold of those 116 pages and twist their meaning, so to avoid translating them again.

This adaptability continues today, as the church president is able to hear God’s voice. Dictates are altered and even superseded after these divine encounters. This is quite distinctive from other Abrahamic religions, which pride themselves on being unyielding and stubbornly unchanging. I have to give the Mormons some credit here. Being able to change with the times and potentially consider new evidence and social norms is preferable to the way it’s done in most beliefs. It’s certainly better than some Baptist preachers I’ve seen, who praise the “unchanging, inerrant word of God,” while holding aloft the fourth revision of the King James Bible, which itself only came about after 16 centuries of edits, omissions, embellishments, debate, redrafts, holy wars, and council votes.

As to the Mormon president’s chats with God, these revelations led to a ban on warm drinks, though a further vision excepted hot chocolate. Following another celestial chat, Brigham Young announced God had forbidden miscegenation, and that this could never change for any reason. This later changed for some reason. There was also a proscription on black priests, which was overturned in 1978. While there theoretically can be black Mormon priests, blacks and Mormons are disinclined to act on this.

Mormonism is Christian, in that it believes in the deity of Jesus and in the Bible, but it is a distinctive subset. There are also splinter Mormon groups, sort of a spinoff-of-a-spinoff, like Good Times. These include fundamentalist sects that force 14-year-old girls into polygamous marriages, and which forbid most members from owning property. We also have the Strangites, whose founder unearthed the REAL undiscovered book, as unoriginal a launching point as there’s ever been for any sect. Then there is the Temple Lot, which teaches Jesus will return to Independence, Missouri. This is opposite of most apocalyptic visions, in that it announces the place, but not the time. Other subsets focus on ingesting peyote or extreme fealty to Israel, or are based on the suddenly-found 116 pages.

The most obvious difference between Latter-Day Saints and mainstream Christianity is the Book of Mormon. This is an interminable series of stories about the ancient peoples of America, for whom there is zero archeological, historic, or scientific evidence. With its length, battles, and super powers, the Book of Mormon is analagous to the Lord of the Rings, except for being awful. The ancient America inhabitants included Jesus, which means Mormons are awaiting his Third Coming. Unless his appearance in ghost form a few days after the crucifixion counts, in which case we’re up to anticipating the Fourth Coming.

In these battles, the Lamanites and Nephites kill and vanquish each other in a series of skirmishes, with the victor each time being the one that acted most obsequiously to God. Nephites win the war and the defeated Lamanites are cursed with bronzed skin. This strongly insinuates they were the ancestors of Native Americans, making it much easier to drive them off the land since it wasn’t theirs anyway.

Not only is there no archeological evidence for these people, there is no proof that cattle, horses, donkeys, pigs, sheep, and elephants were here at this time, and all those are mentioned in the Book. There are also references to brass, iron, and steel, with no evidence those metals were in use in ancient America.

There are more disconnects between the Book and reality. For instance, there are no similarities between Native American languages and the tongues of those in the Near East, where Smith purports the Lamanites and Nephites emigrated from. Also completely lacking is any DNA evidence suggesting that Native Americans and ancient Near East persons are connected.

To counter all this, the Mormons’ only evidence is their claim that Joseph Smith was an uneducated yokel who would be unable to write anything like the Book of Mormon. If true, this would be a sign that someone else wrote it, but it’s hardly a reasonable segue to conclude that God was the author.

In another substantial break with other Abrahamic traditions, Mormonism is polytheistic, although ambivalently so. It believes other gods are out there, but Mormons worship only the Bible one and feel he is in charge of our universe and is the only one it’s worth trying to contact or please. As such, it remains unclear what benefit it is to the Mormon Church to have these gods. Smith and Young may have had some role in mind for these extra deities, but the ideas never came to fruition. One plus for the church is that bolsters its claim that we can all be deities with our own planet.

This brings us to the Mormon afterlife, which teaches that people and sprit entities reside eternally in one of four tiers. They, of course, go to the Platinum Level, along with God, Jesus, and angels. The next level is for Billy Graham, Gandhi, and the Dalai Lama – folks good enough to be religious, but not worthy of Latter-Day Sainthood. Level three is for almost everyone else: Me, Johnny Depp, Heinrich Himmler.

There is a fourth level, their equivalent of Hell, which they teach is freezing as opposed to fiery (and which thus sounds more ominous to me). Other than Satan and his demons, the only other confirmed resident appears to be Judas. This is based on the idea that Level Four is only for those who see the full glory of God, then reject him. Seeing the full glory of God is reserved for Moses, the apostles, angels, and elite-status Mormons. The fourth level is used to keep Mormons in line, but it would seem to remove any incentive to join the church. Those outside are guaranteed unending bliss in Level Three. Why risk it by becoming a Mormon and potentially backsliding all the way to Level Four and eternal misery?

While Latter-Day Saints have on paper ended their discrimination against racial minorities, women are never allowed in leadership positions and homosexuals are strongly condemned. Still, with gay marriage having arrived in Utah, it is possible for the world’s two openly-gay Mormons to wed.

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“Psychic awareness” (Mediums)

BALLDOLLAR
The surest sign that a psychic is fraudulent or self-deceived is if they identify themselves as a psychic.

Here are some other hints. They call a plumber when their pipes burst, not the day before. They go for medical checkups, which would be superfluous for someone who knows their current and future health. If they want information on Benny Goodman, they use the Internet or library instead of summoning his spirit.

But the above instances aren’t there for us to see, so we’ll delve into some psychic techniques and see how they are used to fool people. Some psychics still use Tarot Cards, crystal balls, and palm reading to maintain an air of mysticism. Many others work without these accouterments, especially when doing readings on TV or before an audience. Then we have telephone psychics, which I will believe in when they call me.

Whatever the method, the most frequent technique is cold reading, in which the psychics glean information from the victim, then feed it back to them while talking credit for uncovering it. A trained medium has learned how to read body language and facial expression, as well as gauge speech inflection. They know when they’ve made a connection, and are prepared to pounce and build on this. They ask very open-ended questions, get the victim to talk at length, then portion out bite-sized information back to them as if it were coming from the psychic’s mind. A concise definition of cold reading would be, “a succession of generalizations about someone meant to elicit a response, followed by a series of educated guesses.”

The reason it can seem successful is because psychics use broad statements that apply to most people. Before an audience, the psychic might ask if there is someone present who lost a family member prematurely due to heart disease, which a common method of demise. In a personal reading, it might be, “You’ve had some difficulties with romance,” “You think about your health,” or “You worry about your family.”

Then we have hot reading, where information if gained beforehand through books, the Internet, or acquaintances of the victim. Before being exposed by James Randi, preacher Peter Popoff would have his wife get victims to enter prayer requests on a card, then have her read it back to him through an earpiece. Researching information beforehand has also been used by psychics before TV appearances, with the host stunned by the accuracy of a reading done on them.

The type of question asked will vary depending on the audience. Before a group of 2,500 believers, it would be along the lines of “Whose grandfather worked at a gas station?” With 5,000 potential grandfathers, at least one hit is probable. During a private reading, “Did your grandfather work at a gas station?” is far less likely to score, so the psychic will change it to, “Who worked at a gas station?”

One of the easier techniques to spot is shotgunning, where the psychic throws out a long series of guesses, hoping for a hit, and further hoping that misses will be forgotten. It goes like this: “I’m seeing him in transportation, like a pilot, or bus driver.” This is wrong, so the psychic meanders into, “Or maybe a bus driver or ship captain?” Still coming up empty, the psychic barely keeps the ship connection by delving into, “I’m still seeing water, though, maybe SCUBA diving, or snorkeling, fishing perhaps?” Nope. “Not fishing? How about hurting, did he like to hunt?” “Oh, he loved to hunt.” So the medium is all over the psychic landscape, from pilot to hunter, with several misses in between, but counts this as a hit. Meanwhile, the victims allows this, owing to confirmation bias and a desperate desire to connect with a deceased loved one.

Besides changing the subject, another furtive move is casting a wider net. If “Who was born around Christmas?” fails to register, it evolves into “What significant event happened around Christmas?” Or if “Did your mother smoke?” fails, it morphs into, “Did she like campfires? I’m definitely seeing smoke.”

Another common method is using contradictory information that virtually guarantees a hit, such as “You enjoy being with friends, but also appreciate your alone time.” I saw a psychic guess that a 20-something woman was “a mother, maybe mother-to-be,” which is going to apply or appeal to virtually any woman that age. Or the person might be told, “Your father was well off, or at least took good care of the money that he did have, or if not a lot of money, ensured he and the children had enough.” This is going to apply whether the father was poor, middle class, or wealthy.

Another technique is to ask a question, then claim you knew the answer when it was revealed. The psychic might ask, “What were his hobbies?” and when told they were chess and woodworking, will be offered, “That’s what I thought, I was seeing board games and working with his hands.”

If they completely blow it, they might blame bad energy that day. Some have even been known to berate victims for failing to do their share, or to fault skeptics in the audience for negative vibes. When proven utterly wrong, such as when Sylvia Browne said Amanda Berry was dead, psychics will resort to saying that, like all professions, their success rate is less than 100 percent. And, to be sure, 0 is less than 100.

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“Con-spiracy” (Conspiracy theories)

CONSPIRACYDOTS
While I regularly use the term “conspiracy theory,” I concede my use of the phrase is too restrictive. Unless one man pulled off 9/11 by himself, the attacks were a conspiracy, and any points made to bolster ideas about what group did it, would be a theory.

But until somebody comes up with something better, we’re stuck with using that phrase to describe the Tinfoil Hat Brigade. Skepticism and questioning of the media and government is healthy, and has led to reforms in both. But automatically ascribing nefarious behavior to every government and media action is as bad as blind faith in them.

Depending on one’s level of immersion in them, conspiracy theories can become the automatic explanation for any event. On the most extreme conspiracy theory site, nodisinfo.com, 100 percent of media reports are labeled false. Not only are shootings, natural disasters, and diseases declared to be hoaxes, but so too are articles about cannibalism in the heartland or a bus colliding with a semi. According to this site, anything in the press is a lie. Other than demanding complete fealty to nodisinfo.com, the site’s maintainers and proponents completely reject all media and government accounts.

Even those who stop short of this extreme are subject to swallowing unfounded ideas. Once a person sees authorities as necessarily deceptive, conspiracy theories become more plausible. This can lead to oxymoronic conclusions, such as a person who insists Princess Diana faked her death will argue an hour later that she was murdered.

People find comfort in patterns, and conspiracy theorists distort this idea by connecting the dots of unrelated random events to create something meaningful. The theories appeal to those who feel powerless, and they seek some control over the sinister plotters, even if this is limited to exposing them.

In some ways, a conspiratorial mindset is an exaggeration of the tendency to want an explanation for extraordinary events, especially tragic ones. Refracted sunlight in photos of a space shuttle disaster can be seen as proof that there was an explosive on board. In one image of the John Kennedy assassination, a man is holding an open umbrella on a clear, sunny day. It was a bizarre thing, but nothing monumental, except to those determined to find meaning in it. Ideas were floated that it was a signal for the shooting to commence, or that it was one of the CIA’s poison umbrellas. Eventually, it was learned the umbrella was an antiquated, largely nonsensical protestation of what the man considered Joseph Kennedy’s history of appeasement (Neville Chamberlain usually carried an umbrella).

It is telling that there are seldom conspiracy theories centered on almost-events. Theorists delved deeply into the Umbrella Man’s meaning, and hundreds of books have been written that have pinned the Kennedy assassination on someone other than Lee Harvey Oswald. By contrast, almost no one proffers a Gerald Ford assassination attempt conspiracy theory.

Going back to the opening paragraph, a conspiracy theory can be about something real. Watergate is the most prominent example, and there is strong evidence that the Derringer fired by John Wilkes Booth was the culmination of a multi-person plot. So here are some signs to look for that a conspiracy theory is mistaken. Keep Occam’s Razor in mind and remember that the more grandiose a scheme is, the more unlikely. With regard to the Lincoln assassination, documented plans to kill other administration officials that night were uncovered. The evidence was provided in a courtroom, not amongst shadowy fringe group members, and the guilty were executed. By contrast, a bogus conspiracy theory ties many ideas together, borrowing piecemeal from disparate events to make it fit.

For instance, one of the stranger Sept. 11 claims is that Hollywood referenced the attacks beforehand. There is a passport in the Matrix that expired on Sept. 11, 2001. A Simpsons episode features a bus poster which advertises $9 tickets to New York, with it suggested that the World Trade Centers provide the “11.” In Johnny Bravo, a movie theater announces “Coming Soon” above a poster depicting a burning skyscraper. These are instances of apophenia, which is finding meaning in random patterns, and is a regular feature of conspiracy theories.

Also, bogus conspiracy theories involve impossibly large numbers of people, who would all need to keep silent. Many of the alleged conspiracies would require a cast of hundreds and the plotters would have to be 100 percent of the media and government. Also being maintained would be a pool of thousands of crisis actors. And while the evil overlords have the ability to seamlessly pull off AIDS, assassinations, hurricanes, crack epidemics, shooting hoaxes, and nuclear disasters, they are too incompetent to shut down websites exposing them. Additionally, genuine conspiracies such as Iran-Contra are exposed by the allegedly compliant media and government insiders, not by conspiracy theory groups.

Another feature is the mixing of fact and fiction. Conspiracy theorists might let a truth slip in now and then, but speculation and falsehoods are thrown into the same soup without the difference being acknowledged.

Furthermore, theorists dismiss all government and media accounts, excepting what the theorists consider “gotcha” moments. During a press conference about a California mass shooting, a detective was talking about the importance of training for such events. Instead of saying “which played out here today,” he misspoke and said, “which we played out here today.” A couple of seconds later, another detective put his head in his hand. Theorists touted this as irrefutable proof that the detective had inadvertently exposed the ruse, causing his cohort to facepalm. Theorists did this while simultaneously discounting all other government and media accounts surrounding the shooting.

But the most glaring characteristic of conspiracy theories is considering contrary proof to be part of the conspiracy. When rumors about Barack Obama’s birthplace surfaced in 2008, anyone genuinely seeking proof was satisfied with his release of the Certificate of Live Birth. But for those with a paranoid mindset, this was part of the cover-up, as were the Long Form, newspaper birth announcements, confirmation by factcheck.org, statements by Hawaiian officials, and a 1990 New York Times article listing his birthplace as Hawaii.

When Loretta Fuddy, the official who released the long form, died in a plane crash, theorists joyously note she was the only one of nine onboard who perished. They cited this as proof that Obama had her killed to keep her silent. Had she been the only one to survive, these same people would have asserted Obama spared her as a reward for loyalty. There is an alternative theory that the death was a hoax, but his has scant support among the birthers since it doesn’t fit their predetermined narrative.

It is proper to seek further confirmation, but when uncovered evidence is considered not proof of the truth, but proof of another conspiracy layer, it is unhealthy. In 1954, Marion Keach convinced her minions that aliens would destroy the world at midnight on Dec. 20. Only Keach and her followers would be spared, and they gathered in her home to await rescue by spaceship. When both the apocalypse and the flying emergency vehicle failed to arrive, the cultists concluded that their devotion to the aliens had caused them to spare the planet. Despite clear proof that Keach was wrong about what would happen that night, cognitive dissonance caused the cultists to double down on their beliefs. Doing so is much easier for today’s conspiracy theorist, since the Internet allows them to find sanctuary from any discomforting realities.

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“Communicate to failure” (Facilitated communication)

TYPIST
Facilitated communication is a technique said to empower those who have never had the ability to express their thoughts. Most clients are afflicted with autism, developmental disabilities, brain damage, or cerebral palsy.

The client sits at a keyboard and is asked a question by a facilitator or third party. Next, the facilitator grasps the client’s hand, wrist, or elbow, and gauges which way the client’s index finger wants to go. There is no explanation for how the process of getting a thought from a client’s head to a typewriter or computer monitor works. Still, when the idea surfaced in 1977, parents of clients were ecstatic. They were overjoyed to have a window into their child’s mind for the first time. However, scientists, educators, and skeptics had serious questions. Other than Syracuse University, which houses a facilitated communication institute, the field has been rejected by mainstream academia and medicine.

As to the issues raised, the most obvious was that the majority of clients, while supposedly typing through a conduit, were looking away from the keyboard. Many were laughing, shrieking, looking at the ceiling, babbling, or had their eyes closed. Accurately typing without having a reference for where the keyboard is would seem arduous at best. Second, even clients who had never been taught to read or write were typing grammatically-correct sentences.

Furthermore, demonstrations of the technique featured the client and facilitator both being shown a picture and being asked what it was of. This made it impossible to know if the client or facilitator was typing the answer. So tests were devised where, at first, a question was heard by both client and facilitator through a headset. Each time, a correct answer was entered. Next, the client was asked a question, while music was piped to the facilitator. Under these conditions, the client gave either the wrong answer or no answer every time.

In the second part of the test, clients who had seemingly communicated complex ideas were asked to point to the sky and were unable to do so. Also of note, there were no cases of a client using a word that was not in the facilitator’s regular vocabulary. Similar visual tests, in which the facilitator and client were shown different pictures, resulted in the facilitator typing the image that he or she saw every time. A crucial point in all these tests was that facilitators were always looking at the keyboard, while the client seldom was.

Other than three qualitative-research studies as Syracuse, none of which could be replicated by other researchers, scientific studies have emphatically concluded that the thoughts being typed are the facilitator’s.

Psychologist Daniel Wegner posits that this happens due to the ideomotor effect, which is most commonly associated with the Ouija Board. This describes what happens when a person’s expectation leads to unconscious control of their motor skills.

Most facilitators truly believe they are being helpful, and are apologetic and remorseful when shown the truth. The few who don’t accept the evidence resort to spitting out a variety of ad hoc excuses. For instance, some dismiss dismal test results by arguing the client was nervous or performs poorly in a controlled setting. As to why the facilitator could do it, but not the client’s parent, apologists say the client has formed a working relationship with the facilitator and is unhappy about starting over with someone else.

The glaring flaws of facilitated communication are even more problematic since its training encourages facilitators to fill in the gaps. Consider this advice they are given: “Facilitated communication is never as fast or as fluent as normal speech. Messages tend to be short, even telegraphic, and may omit grammatical bridges. It is not always clear what message the person is trying to get across.”

Trying to guess what the client is thinking has led to disaster, as there have been several instances of false sexual assault allegations, including two fathers who spent months in jail before charges were dropped.

As this became more well known, and with a damning documentary on the PBS program Frontline, Facilitated Communication advocates attempted some fresh spins. Syracuse’s Facilitated Communication Institute became the School of Education’s Institute on Communication and Inclusion. And facilitated communication’s new euphemism is Supported Typing. The goals, from the school’s website, are to “provide emotional encouragement, communication supports (such as monitoring to make sure the person looks at the keyboard) and physical supports to slow and stabilize the person’s movement. The facilitator should never move or lead the person.”

Encouragement and ensuring the person is looking at the keyboard are fine, but physical support from a facilitator remains problematic. And this could managed by resting the client’s arm on an artificial ergonomic support. As long as a facilitator is in contact with the client, the potential exists for manipulation, intentional or otherwise.

There are methods to assist those who otherwise wouldn’t be able to communicate, as Helen Keller and Stephen Hawking have demonstrated. But these are based on science, not wishful thinking and unproven ideas. As negative results piled up, facilitated communicators switched to qualitative research. With this method, clearly-stated goals, objective criteria, and double blind experiments were replaced with opinion and conjecture. For instance, “researchers” may have the client work with four facilitators, then decide that the client demonstrated consistent writing style, and count this as proof. Or they may look at their eyes and conclude that they are glancing in the right direction. These methods avoid the key question of who is controlling what gets typed and fails to, how shall we say, communicate sound science.

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“Legally detoxicated” (Detox treatments)

TOXIC AVENGER big
I am a firm believer in detoxification treatment, better known as the liver and kidneys functioning properly. The liver breaks down the toxins, the kidney filters them from the blood into urine, and out they go. Aiding the process is sleep and the wonder chemical compound, dihydrogen monoxide.

For those seeking other methods, purveyors offer almost as many methods are there are purveyors. We have acupuncture, antioxidants, bloodletting, chelation, enemas, fasting, juicing, pills, veganism, massages, raw food regimens, ozone therapy, multivitamin overloads, herbal tea, body wraps, the yanking of dental fillings, and lemonade.

I have yet to come across an ad for these products in which the seller names what toxin is removed, explains how it works, or what the treatment benefits. Nor do any of them involve an exam for determining the presence and amount of toxins. While it’s true toxins can lead to kidney stones and other ailments, lemonade won’t fix this. Fasting and the removing dental fillings can be detrimental, and while the other treatments are usually harmless, they can be dangerous if a diseased person relies on detox instead of medicine.

There are a trio of pseudomedicine red flags. First, proponents note that similar treatments were used by the Egyptians and Greeks, an appeal to irrelevant ancient authority. Also, the treatments are in a constant state of flux, while the supposed benefits stay the same. Finally, wide-ranging powers are attributed to detoxification. One naturopath lauded its ability to eliminate fatigue, irritated skin, allergies, stomach infections, baggy eyes, menstrual discomfort, and confusion. Another naturopath recommends a colon flush to treat asthma, arthritis, sinus issues, chronic fatigue, and constipation. With a reach this broad, any seeming benefit can be credited to detoxification. Worse, a colon flush can be dangerous since a colon’s function includes absorbing minerals and shooting them through the bloodstream. The colon is the body part most frequently targeted for detoxing. But the nasty guck is in there because it’s supposed to be and will be exiting the body soon enough.

The most absurd claim I came across was the idea that whole body needs to be regularly detoxified. Someone as full of toxins as what some ads claim most people are would be in the hospital or morgue.

For the more visually oriented, toxic cleansers promote ionic foot baths, in which electrodes are placed in a saltwater-based solution. The seller explains that the process will help toxins exit through the feet, and the customer sees the water change from clear to dirty. However, you could put in your hands, forehead, or rubber duck and get the same result since the discoloration comes from the metals and contaminants on the electrodes. Similar are foot pads, which a person puts on before going to bed. These change color when skin moisture causes the pads’ ingredients to oxidize. The same color change will occur after any contact with moisture.

These purveyors are trying to appeal to a healthy lifestyle or, less charitably, to one’s sense of fear. In truth, toxins are not the root of most diseases. Diseases also have bacterial, viral, and genetic causes. And the ones caused by toxins won’t be cured by wrapping one’s self in seaweed and washing a homeopathic pill down with chamomile tea while leeches suck away.

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“Ancient Astro-nuts” (Alien pyramid builders)

ALIENPRYAMID
From their hat, or possibly another location, History Channel producers have pulled this gem: Ancient peoples were too stupid to do anything worthwhile without aliens, for whom great distances were a trivial matter thanks to wormholes. They have managed to get six seasons out of this premise on Ancient Aliens, perhaps the most pitiful pseudoscience program today – quite an accomplishment considering the competition. The basic idea is that visitors from outer space, rather than humans, are responsible for the major accomplishments of long-ago civilizations.

Until being eclipsed by The History Channel, the most prominent proponent was Erich von Däniken. His ideas are mostly the result of selective use of data, but he was caught in one instance of fraud. He had photos of pottery decorated with spaceships and aliens, and claimed to have found this during an archaeological dig. NOVA traced the pot to a contemporary source.

So he either just makes the stuff up or bastardizes ideas from Buck Rogers and H.P. Lovecraft. He mixes fact and fiction, rummaging through archeological sites and finding artifacts, but automatically attributing any advanced technology to ancient astronauts. Like any self-respecting pseudoscientist, he reaches his conclusion, then searches for it.

Von Däniken regularly relies on a pair of logical fallacies: The appeal to ignorance and the false dilemma. He uses both in this typical sentence about the Nazca Lines: “Either this data is to be explained by assuming these primitive idiots did this themselves, or we must accept the more plausible notion that they got help from extremely advanced peoples who must have come from other planets where such technologies as anti-gravity devices had been invented.” So he dismisses the idea that ancient peoples could have drawn giant animals on the ground, but presupposes the existence of an unproven super species using unknown technologies. There is a third option, which is that the ancient people of Peru were more advanced than what von Däniken acknowledges. Whenever we have a gap in our knowledge of past cultures, von Däniken is there to plug it with ancient astronauts.

Some of his claims are impossible to disprove, but not all of them. For instance, he asserted a Mayan design depicted an astronaut, even though the accompanying text identified it as a Mayan leader. This is a typical tactic, employing a creative interpretation of artwork, such as presupposing an Aztec chiseling to be of a helicopter, when it could just as easily be of a locust. In fact, the artwork he cites as depicting aliens is consistent with religious myths, such as deities or a ruler ascending to heaven. He claims this is reversed, that alien visitors became gods in subsequent religions. This is negated by the fact that plenty of religions have crept up since without alien visitation.

If we ever figure out how Nazca, Stonehenge, and Moai came to be, it will come from National Geographic, NOVA, or Mythbusters, not some guy chasing down Zontar, the Thing From Venus. Anthropologists visiting primitive peoples have noted their creative use of pulleys, levers, water, brains, and brawn to accomplish what we would have suspected to be beyond their grasp.

Underestimating primitive cultures is a hallmark of the Ancient Astronaut Association. For instance, Robert Temple deduced that the Dogon people of Mali knew more about astronomy than their locale and education would suggest. He mixed translation errors and native myths to fuse another tale of alien visitors.

The only proponent to offer a specific launching point for our ancient house guests is Zecharia Sitchin. He asserts they hail from Nibiru, which he has lying beyond Pluto. Astronomers have no evidence of such a place, but Sitchin is undaunted by this refutation. He claims Sumerian texts tell the story of 50 Nibiru inhabitants coming to Earth 400,000 years, eventually somehow creating homo sapiens. This was based on his ignorance of ancient languages and an extreme desire to believe. It is worth noting that ancient astronaut hunters never interpret a literary work about extraordinary qualities to be a myth or tale, but always a literal occurrence.

They will also point to similarities in art around the world to suggest aliens had taught the same techniques to different cultures. This is a baseless and desperate attempt to make something fit. Why not take it further, and declare than any differences in art are proof that multiple alien cultures have visited?

Artwork isn’t the only thing they misinterpret. For instance, science has demonstrated that the human brain has undergone rapid evolution. Ancient astronaut proponents insist this resulted from extraterrestrial creatures tweaking the DNA of our ancestors. So they don’t believe human evolution could explain rapid growth, but they are OK with evolution being so complete in another species to allow for DNA manipulation and the controlling of natural selection.

While there are gaps in our knowledge of past civilizations, the motif of mankind’s existence shows slow, steady advancement. There is never a quantum leap that would be consistent with being enlightened exponentially by benevolent beings from a faraway galaxy. Even the Incas, Greeks, and Romans built on established knowledge and added to existing fields.

Man has always show ingenuity, harnessing fire and doing the same with the electron. Over the centuries we have seen the advent of the wheel, farming, art, medicine, mechanics, engineering, transportation, education, diplomacy, amusement, mass communication, animal domestication, weather forecasting, disaster response, and justice systems. And unless the likes of Hammurabi, Faraday, and Tesla were aliens, humans did it.

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“Nothing personal” (Myers-Briggs personality assessment)

MASKS
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an assessment aimed at pegging one’s personality type. As a parlor game, it’s fine. However, it is most frequently used by businesses, which make hiring and promotion decisions based in part on the results.

This is an issue because the assessment is based not on controlled experiments and data, but on Carl Jung’s untested ideas and some tweaking that Isabel Briggs made using her intution. Scientists rely on controlled studies, not their hunches and memories, so that self-deception is eliminated, and to keep them from shoehorning data into a pet theory.

Respondents are assigned one of 16 personality types based on answers to a series of hypothetical situations. Next to not being based on data, the biggest downfall of Myers-Briggs is its ignoring of people’s complexities. The test assumes we are all-or-nothing in each category. No one is always totally introverted or extroverted. Everyone is going to fit somewhere between the two extremes. But in Myers-Briggs, someone who scores 51 percent introverted is considered 100 percent withdrawn. Also, this person, and someone 49 percent introverted, will be placed at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Another issue is with how many of the questions are phrased. They use absolute terms, such as always, every, and never. This allows for none of the wiggle room in which we live. The results are also contingent with how self-aware a person is. The responses are who you think you are, which may not jibe with reality.

Still another problem is that answers can be based on how one is feeling that day, or on recent events. Tests have shown that between 39 and 76 percent of respondents get a different result the second time they take the test, even if just a few weeks later. A test using sound science and statistics would produce results much more consistent than these.

Still, the ideas are general enough that the descriptions will apply, at least partially, to almost everyone. That means the results seem to score a hit, owing to the Forer Effect.

Despite these limitations, I decided to tackle the test. Here is a sampling of the hypothetical situations, along with my thoughts on them.

• YOU CAN EASILY READ BETWEEN THE LINES AND GET WHAT SOMEONE IS SAYING. If you missed what someone was trying to say, how would you know what they were trying to say?

• EMOTIONAL MOVIES CAN EASILY MAKE YOU SAD. If you find it emotional, of course it’s making you sad. Unless it’s a horror movie, in which case the emotion is fear. So I don’t really know how to answer this.

• YOU CAN BE INDECISIVE. That may or may not be true.

• YOUR MOOD CAN CHANGE VERY QUICKLY. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

• YOU ARE RATHER IMPATIENT. Coming on the fifth page of this test, you bet.

At the end, I got a notice that results will be e-mailed to me for a price. I have mixed emotions about this, as my personality type is prone to instant gratification, as well as being cheap.

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“National Association for the Advancement of People Colors” (Aura reading)

BLINDINGLIGHTAn aura is an alleged color outline emanating from an object. Those detecting auras use them to determine illnesses, personality, feelings, and psychological states. If you wanted them to, I’m sure they could also determine your abilities at fishing and casserole cooking.

While the aura concept is less than 200 years old, it is somewhat similar to the halos referenced in monotheistic religions like Christianity, Islam, and Zoroastrianism. Meanwhile, the ability to detect them is akin to the Third Eye in Hindu teachings. Buddhists and Jains have similar ideas in less concrete form.

Aura schools of thought teach that every living creature has one, and some have cashed in by reading pet auras. Mostly, however, the field focuses on auras emanating from people. Conspicuously lacking in the field is self-diagnosis. A person seeing their own aura would presumably know precisely what their strengths are, how to capitalize on them, and on what areas to strengthen. Then again, there’s no money in that.

Most readers are either fraudulent or self-deluded. But seeming colors can result from migraines, epilepsy, and after-images. They may also be due to a host of psychological, neurological, and optical reasons. And LSD will certainly do the trick.

There are conflicting ideas about who can see them. Aura readers maintain the field is forever off limits to all except a psychic few. Those who sell Aura Goggles and Kirlian photography equipment insist their products allow anyone to develop the ability. Aura training exercises usually begin with the student staring at an object against a white background in a dimly lit room. Eventually blurred spots will emerge. This is due to retinal fatigue, but a person unaware of this will be excited by their newfound powers.

Psychics assign different meanings to specific colors. There are as many color meanings as there are aura readers. For maximum confusion, we have Robert Bruce, who insists that the auras themselves have colors.

Our bodies do give off heat detectable at the infrared range, and we are surrounded by thermal, electromagnetic, and electrostatic fields. But none of these are consistent with auras described by readers. If psychics could see them, there would not be such a variety of diagnoses.

This lack of consensus on color meaning prevents empirical testing. However, individuals have been examined under controlled conditions and none has performed better than chance. The largest test even undertaken had nearly 1,500 subjects and the control group performed better than the psychics.

The Berkeley Psychic Institute sent what it considered its top aura reader to be tested, with James Randi offering $10,000 if the ability could be demonstrated on a television show. Rarely does a paranormal claimant agree to be tested under controlled conditions, especially on TV, so this indicates the reader genuinely believed in her ability.

Twenty persons were placed behind partitions and she assigned an aura to each of them. She added she could see the auras extending above the partitions. The reader left the room, after which two-thirds of the subjects exited the stage. Back in the room, the psychic said she detected an aura behind each partition, even though only one-third of the subjects were still there. This was either massive failure or the advent of partition aura detection.

Similar tests have placed people in a dark room, with the psychic being asked how many auras could be observed. Only chance results have ever been attained. Not coincidentally, Bruce now insists that auras can only be seen if the person is visible to the reader.

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“What on Earth?” (Geocentrism and Inner Earth inhabitants)

ALICEHOLERecent posts have dealt with reptilian overlords and other beings from outer space, so today’s entry will be Earthbound. We will examine a pair of distinctive ideas about our planet: Geocentrism and the assertion that Earth is hollow.

Geocentrists think the sun, planets, and stars revolve around Earth. For many centuries, this was a manifestation of man’s arrogance in thinking he was the center of the universe. The incentive of today’s believers is reconciling the universe with their interpretation of the Bible. To the best of my knowledge, the only adherents are a tiny subset of Catholics and a few ultraorthodox Jews. Their reasoning centers around verses such as Psalms 104:5, which credits God with laying the foundation of an Earth that will never be moved. This idea had enough persons with enough resources that a geocentrism conference was held in 2010. Besides shaky science, the seminar also claimed geocentrism was being silenced by a conspiracy of secularists, scientists, and academic elites.

These folks say Earth remains stationary, while all heavenly bodies rotate around our planet. But even at warp speed, Neptune would be unable to complete a rotation of Earth in 24 hours. And that’s just Neptune, not the stellar bodies millions of light years away. Faced with this established science, some modern day geoncentrists adopt a position they call compromise and which I call idiotic. They claim the sun revolves around Earth, but that the other Solar System planets revolve around the sun. Also, stars other than the sun remain static. Since the Bible is silent on the movement of other planets and of stars other than the sun, they can still cram this idea into their preconceived notion, as long as Earth is motionless.

We’ll look now at some of the dozens of truths denied by geocentrists. While Copernicus and Galileo explained how it works, unquestioned proof of heliocentrism did not arrive until 1725. That year, James Bradley discovered stellar aberration, the perceived yearly change in the positions of stars. Further proof was provided by physicist Leon Foucault, who suspended a weight from a lengthy wire and let it swing. A pen at the bottom of the weight drew a line in a circle of wet sand. After an hour, another line intersected with the first line at an 11-degree angle, consistent with a rotating Earth. Then we have the Coriolis Effect, which causes hurricanes to rotate in different directions depending on what hemispheres they are in. Keeping with natural disasters, a major earthquake changes the rotation of Earth, which would be impossible if Earth didn’t have a rotation to change. Geocentrists retort by insisting earthquakes are caused by the change in rotations of other heavenly bodies. Silly ad hoc hypothesis like these are the result of arriving at a conclusions first, then seeking evidence that fits. This case is even more egregious since claimants present no evidence, just assertions.

Whether our planet is spinning is of no concern to advocates of a hollow Earth. Their only focus is on the critters that dwell within. There are two main schools of thought: One a conspiracy theory, the other a belief in New Age blissful harmony. Neither camp allows for the existence of moderate Middle Earth creatures. They are entirely malevolent or benevolent, depending on which idea one subscribes to.

In the conspiracy theory, Earth’s middle is accessed at the poles by Bildebergers, Bohemian Grove members, reptilians, Atlantians, or Buddhist and Hindu monks that have attained a higher level. Theorists offer little reason as to why these beings are there, leaving it to be inferred that the middle serves as a sanctuary and a place to plot world domination. It is sometimes suggested UFOs park there when stopping by for an intergalactic visit, or that Inuit ancestors are the original inhabitants. There is also talk that Nazi leaders made their escape there, a much more interesting location than South America.

There exists no explanation for what is holding us up if our planet is without a mantle, solid inner core, or liquid outer core. And the lack of sunlight for those trapped inside is also never addressed. Also, there are several photos of the poles, none of them showing an entrance.

One advocate gave his life to the cause. Eschewing medical care, Raymond Bernard keeled over from pneumonia while searching for a mystery tunnel to the underworld that a Tibetan lama told him was at Argentina’s southern tip.

The most prominent proponent today is Diane Robbins, who claims to receive telepathic messages from High Priest Adama. Adama resides in Telos, a Golden City beneath Mt. Shasta, close to where Robbins lives. How fortunate that the subterranean telepathic creatures reside precisely where someone who can detect them lives. Another lucky break for Robbins and her minions is that the inner Earth inhabitants speak English.

Robbins also communicates with dolphins and trees, and sells products so others can acquire these skills. These include BioLumina, which Robbins touts as offering “the highest vibrational spirulina you can buy.” Indeed, I checked around and could find no product with more vibrating spirals.

The High Priest describes an area of unimaginable bliss: No violence or even friction; immunity to illness, injury, and death; a pristine paradise of mountains, flowing streams, perpetually producing gardens, and unending ideal weather. This standard utopia is updated for the modern day with hologram libraries and “Real Reality” helmets that eclipse their virtual brethren, allowing one to see what is going on anywhere at any time. These fully enlightened, immortal beings have conquered war, famine, and disease by harnessing powers unknown to us, specifically galactic energies and crystalline technology. Ideas this grandiose appeal to those dissatisfied with their life and who are not just searching for spirituality, but hell-bent on finding it.

Robbins dutifully jots these marvelous messages that will someday bring paradise to Earth, then sells them to others. These mighty secrets haven’t worked yet, Adama says, because an insufficient number of people have put them into practice. Therefore, the key to eternal Earthly bliss, says Diane Robbins, is to buy products from Diane Robbins.

In her FAQ, the only question Robbins gives a comprehensible answer to is, “Do you hold book siginings (sic)?” I’m guessing she meant “signings”; perhaps siginings is a Telosian dialect. One message from Adama was, “We await the great day when we will be able to show ourselves to you.” Robbins previously said she expected to see Telosians in 2012. That either didn’t materialize or they showed themselves only to Robbins. Adama explained what it’s like when these ideas are put into practice.

As relayed by Robbins, the High Priest assures us, “As you think of us, you will feel a heightened sense of being as our energy cascades into you. It is a physical sensation that is unmistakable. Move into it, for it is us making contact with you. You will experience heightened sensitivity and divine bliss. We wait for your call.” It seems these creatures have mastered every technology except the telephone.