Most post hoc reasoning is immediate, as in, “I drank a kale smoothie and it worked because my backache went away.” Or, “The gypsy told me good fortune was coming and I won $100 the next day.” But with the Electronic Banking Conspiracy Theory, the consequences arise 25 lifetimes after the triggering event. This theory posits that the introduction of paper money 600 years ago is why my daughter is buying Tap Fish 2 for her iPad today (a purchase that is being tracked by the Illuminati, by the way). What’s more, both the appearance of paper lira and the electronic game purchase are paving the way for the enslavement on Mankind.

There are five phases on this route from shekels to shackles. We are currently in the final phase. I have looked at dozens of conspiracy theories and have yet to find one where the culminating event is 100 or 1,000 years away. Nor does it take place today. For the theorist to get his thrill, dystopia has to be just beyond a tantalizing horizon, always almost here but never quite arriving. This allows them to bravely face this frightening future and cleverly expose the plot.

The first stage was the introduction of paper currency and a banking system. The plotters were extremely patient, as the cabal waited 500 years for stage two, the introduction of credit cards. Next came electronic commerce over the Internet. This was followed by the concentration of wealth by an “international banking conspiracy,” which is the most one can bend over backwards without actually saying ‘Jews.’ The first three stages have clearly happened, and theorists assert the fourth has as well. That sets us up for the final stage, a worldwide electric blackout that will be coupled by the draining of all electronic money accounts by the conspirators.

This is not a terribly widespread theory, and seems to be promulgated mainly by the American Patriot Friends Network, which sounds like a combination survivalist group/day care. Its website’s headlines this week were about the confirmation of alien spacecraft by a Krakow bicyclist, a David Bowie obituary focusing on his promotion of Satan, and a yummy stir fry recipe (touted as a quick and easy food to make in the wilderness).

Members demonstrate extreme acrobatics in their conclusion-leaping. Just a few sentences after complaining about bank annoyance like ATM fees, a writer explains that this means, “The FEMA camps are already in place, global position devices are tracking our every move, and implantable microchips have been nearly perfected.” He then warns about the imminent return of legal slavery, which is the conspirators’ ultimate goal.

Like many conspiracy theories, this one takes elements of truths or half-truths and assembles them in a hodgepodge fashion. It is akin to someone announcing they’ve completed a jigsaw puzzle despite several missing pieces and the person assuming  other pieces the artist never painted. For instance, while the Renaissance introduced paper money to Europe, there is no connection between that and the device you are using to read this. Nor is there a connection between that device and your impeding bondage. This theory assumes that the New World Order’s 16th Century forbearers anticipated credit cards and computers. It is also premised on impossibly evil, impossibly powerful men having the means and will to implement world domination for half a millennium, yet never doing it, a stagnation that would be contradictory.

This final stage will be ushered in when the plotters use advanced technology to drain our bank accounts. I’m giving believers the benefit of the doubt and assume this theory includes a dictate that paper money somehow be made worthless by the plotters; otherwise, the electronic liquidation would fail to put all the money is the elites’ hands. But I could not find this claim on their website. Another huge plot hole is that banks are supposedly a crucial player in this plot, yet the plan would require them to agree to mass suicide since they would go under once the ruling elite emptied the accounts.

These theories are always unclear on how many “they” there are, but believers usually hint at there being just a few dozen of them. This theory fails to explain how people this few in number would control billions of others, or how they would manage to keep their slaves clothed, fed, and housed.

Believers are fond of the fact that Lincoln, Garfield, and Kennedy challenged the banking industry and were all assassinated. Tying these events together is lazy even by post hoc reasoning standards. Although if true, one would have to admire the plotters’ suppleness in working with a Confederate sympathizer, an anarchist, and a communist to accomplish these hit jobs of Leaders of the Free World.

 In this theory, wars are not fought over territory, ideology, or oil, but are meant only to disrupt the economy and gradually gain more control over it. Disruptions will become more frequent and debilitating until society and financial institutions collapse, and all but a select few become slaves. I for one welcome our new reptilian overlords.

Numbers Stations are shortwave radio stations that sporadically broadcast an eclectic mix of seeming gibberish. This includes impossibly coded messages, occasional blips of classical music, and a screeching sound reminiscent of a modem desperately trying to connect during the dial up days. The voices appear to be machine-generated and created by speech synthesis and are almost always female, a Siri without any personality.

These stations have proven to be an effective method for government spy agencies to communicate with their overseas employees. This had long been suspected, and was confirmed in David Wise’s 1988 Book, “The Spy Who Got Away,” about a CIA defector. Further proof came in 2001 when the United States tried five defendants who had spied for Cuba using this technology. The best-known Numbers Station was the Lincolnshire Poacher, which the British Intelligence Service ran from Cyprus.

In Wise’s book, the CIA turncoat explained how it worked:

“A transmitter is set up in Germany or Langley, and the agent knows that at certain times on certain nights you will transmit to him. He is given a one-time pad, which the sender has the only other copy of. The pages of a the pad consist of random five-digit groups that are used to encipher messages with the aid of a matrix or number grid. Each page is destroyed after use.”

All this presents a sizable obstacle to the hardened conspiracy theorist. Most of the population, even the skeptic blogger portion, have concluded there were secret messages broadcast in a spooky voice, that the CIA and KGB were involved, and that there was government denial of something that was clearly going on. Normally, revealed secrets and government cover up would be conspiracy theorist gold. But the theorist compliments himself on being iconoclastic and able to shrewdly navigate false narratives, and that doesn’t work if there’s nothing to expose.

But theorists did not become so by meekly acquiescing to Occam’s Razor. Consider someone with the handle Reef75 at abovetopsecret.com. He writes, “The official and common ‘explanation’ for this phenomenon is that it is some sort of spy communication.”

In truth, there is no official position for this or most other topics. Official, when used in conjunction with the government, refers to entities like agency seals, foreign policy positions, and the nation’s borders. A statement from a government official, or the media’s reporting of it, are not “official,” and this merely serves as a handy pejorative for the theorist to wield.

A British record company released a five-CD collection of these shortwave recordings. Reef75 concludes that this “was part of the cover-up,” without offering reasoning or evidence of this, or even clarifying what was being covered up, or how releasing the sounds was consistent with suppressing them.

While he initially mocks the espionage theory, Reef seems to completely contradict this by writing, “The spy communication theory is probably correct.” But he then quickly does a U-turn back to his version of reality. “But the real question is, who are the spies? And how many are ‘They’?” They, capitalized in mid-sentence and in quotes. Nice ominous touch there, Reef, you’re quite skilled at this.

When conspiracy theorists pose questions, they are not normally seeking answers. For example, when they ask how World Trade Center towers could collapse when jet fuel doesn’t burn hot enough to melt steel, it is pointed out that the beams need only to burn hot enough to melt the steel, which is how blacksmithing works. Anyone genuinely asking this question would be satisfied with that explanation. But having no interest in getting an answer, the theorist moves the goalposts or in some other way deflects the response.

Reef next asserts that no country has ever tried to find out what’s going on with these Numbers Stations. Buoyed by this unsupported premise, he surmises this is because, “All countries are in on it together.” The United States and Iran, North and South Korea, Israel and Saudi Arabia, Turkey and Greece, India and Pakistan, all involved in this lovefest centered on cryptic messages and snippets of Swan Lake.

If accepting the spy premise, the idea that sending and receiving locations are forever changing would seem routine. But if determined to see more, this is thrilling evidence of malfeasance, and Reef excitedly chases the real truth down the rabbit hole. Once there, he concludes:

“These signals in fact confirm that there is a part of the human race that isn’t like the rest of us. I call them ‘The Others.’ If they are 10 or 50 percent of us, I do not know. But my feeling is that they are many. Does anyone have another explanation that fits the scenario with logic?”

Yes, you’re a nut case. But I don’t care for the personal attack, so my “official position” is to defer to the spy scenario, as documented by the Cuban Five case, the CIA defector book, and the Lincolnshire Poacher.

As to why “The Others” are doing this, Reef writes, “The only thing I could think of is that these signals are used as mind control on all of us.” That a human being could come up with these conclusions does seem to support the idea that our minds are being screwed with.

Reef was the only guy I could find online who offered a sizable conspiracy theory manifesto about the numbers station. But there were others who gave terse explanations. One suggested it was the dead trying to contact us – by using impossibly coded messages in a medium available to about two percent of the population, on stations that one must know precisely when and where to tune in. A rather arduous way of letting your nephews know where you left the fishing scrapbook  they are looking for.

A Bing search also revealed a URL that advertised itself as dedicated to exposing the New World Order and Illuminati. With regard to the Numbers Stations, it revealed that, “Trapped in an alternate dimension somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, children survivors are attempting to communicate through shortwave radio stations.” Alas, when I clicked for further information, the link was broken. The Men In Black and reptilians must have got them.

NOTE: The Georgia Guidestones were destroyed in a terrorist attack on July 6, 2022

In almost every conspiracy theory, adherents suggest a narrative that differs from a more-accepted version. For instance, henchmen of George W. Bush, not Osama bin Laden, engineered 9/11. Or Jade Helm was an Obama plot to lock up southern gun owners, as opposed to a military Special Forces exercise.

But with the Georgia Guidestones, there is no Warren Commission Report or Air Force Roswell explanation to try and refute. No one knows the Guidestones’ purpose, and the only person who knows the identity of the man who financed them promised the moneybags that he would never reveal his name. Conspiracy theorists, therefore, have filled the Guidestones vacuum with various heinous storylines. Not that theorists require an information vacuum to operate; they just suck out any evidence that works against them.

Conspiracy theorists and skeptics agree on this much: The guidestones are 19-foot tall granite monuments erected in 1980 in Elbert County, Georgia.  On them are inscribed 10 guidelines, in eight languages. There is also a brief message at the top that is chiseled in four ancient tongues. They are arranged as five slabs with a capstone on top.

Unlike most conspiracy theories, this one contains an element of genuine mystery. In June 1979, a man going by the pseudonym R.C. Christian solicited Elberton Granite Finishing Company to build the structure. His identity and incentive remain unknown. He was estimated to be in his mid-60s when he commissioned the structure, so he is presumed to be deceased.

The guidelines are as follows:

1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
2. Guide reproduction wisely — improving fitness and diversity.
3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
4. Rule passion — faith — tradition — and all things with tempered reason.
5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
9. Prize truth — beauty — love — seeking harmony with the infinite.
10. Be not a cancer on the earth — Leave room for nature — Leave room for nature.

Yoko Ono called them “a stirring call to rational thinking”, while wired.com reports that some opponents consider them to be the “Ten Commandments of the Antichrist.”

Concurring with the latter interpretation is Mark Dice, who declared them to be of “deep Satanic origin,” and who feels they should be “smashed into a million pieces.” While they still stand, the guidestones have been subject to vandalism by those who consider them to be demonic or part of the New World Order plot.

These Ideas are not new. At their unveiling, local minster James Travenstead inadvertently noted their versatility, saying the guidestones were “for sun worshipers, cult worship and devil worship.” He also warned that the Guidestone would someday see “a human sacrifice take place here.” Sort of like Cavalry, I guess.

Then we have conspiracy theorist Van Smith, who attempts to bring computer analysis to his ideas. Smith said that the guidestones dimensions portended those of the Buri Khalifa in the United Arab Emirates, which was built 30 years later. It was the tallest building in the world, and therefore, the Guidestones were meant to be an endorsement of the Tower of Babel.

The type of granite used was pyramid blue, which thrilled some theorists since it suggested some sort of ancient alien Egyptian association. Additionally, when viewed from overhead, the Guidestones form an X, which UFO Report notes for an ideal alien landing site.

The inclusion of Hebrew, meanwhile, suggested to some that Zionists were behind the Guidestones. This was less than consistent thinking, however, since the messages were also in English and no one has seen Queen Elizabeth behind it. Unexplained is how the erection of a cryptic monument in rural Georgia furthers the Zionist goal. It is also unclear why the genocide architects would announce their plans, albeit cryptically. But Dice had an ad hoc explanation for this: “This is a way for the elite to get a laugh at the expense of the uninformed masses, as their agenda stands as clear as day and the zombies don’t even notice it.”

Though the inscribed ideas are esoteric, a majority who have studied them think they are intended to be advice to survivors of an apocalypse, although this would require that the stones hold up during any doomsday. The commissioning came during the year of the Three Mile Island meltdown, and nuclear arms fears were a regular feature of life then. Also, it is known that the financier had expressed fears about Armageddon, so this hypothesis seems the most likely.

Some of the 10 guidelines can seem a little unnerving. Recommending the population be kept at what was one-tenth the of the world’s population in 1980 seems macabre. So does the eugenics overtone that rings through another guideline. The idea of one language and one court, meanwhile, could upset those who fear an impending New World Order. An alternate, equally unsettling, interpretation was that it referenced the warning in Revelation about a common tongue and a one-world government. As an aside, I never understood evangelicals freaking out about Revelation prophecy seemingly being fulfilled. They think it’s inevitable, so why fight it?

When the mystery donor met the granite company president, they agreed that banker Wyatt Martin would receive the funds at various times from different locales, then forward them to the business. Martin agreed only is the donor would reveal his identity, which he did after Martin agreed to take this secret to his grave.

Some suspect the donor was influenced by Rosicrucian thought. Rosicrucians were a secret society in the 17^th Century known as “the brotherhood of R.C.,” and the donor’s pseudonym initials were R.C. Further, the guidelines emphasize the use of reason, and Thomas Paine was a Rosicrucian who wrote “Age of Reason.”

While these are two very weak pieces of evidence, the idea is not particularly preposterous. At least it wasn’t until Jay Weinder got ahold of it. One of the country’s busier conspiracy theorists, Weidner agrees that the guidestones are meant for the eyes of those who survive a near-extinction. But this will not be the result of a nuclear war, but rather a homo sapien genocide. Weinder warns, “The shadowy organization behind the Guidestones is now orchestrating a planetary chaos that will result in major disruptions of oil and food supplies, mass riots, and ethnic wars worldwide.” Sounds frightening, until one realizes Weinder had predicted that this would all take place by 2012.

While there have been various ideas as to the guidestones’ meaning, the most creative comes from a beforeitsnews contributor, who laid out a plot involving Free Masons, the devil, and a borderline anthropomorphic primate.

The writer goes through a lengthy, meandering explanation of how he pieced together that the builders were hinting at the date Oct. 3, 2014. Naturally, this can only mean that, “It likely has everything to do with the start of the New World Order plan as laid out on the Guidestones. This is driven by dark forces and one of the things they need to do for their events to become rituals is reveal them in advance.”

When theorists deduce such dates, it is seldom 100 or 1,000 years in the future. Rather, it is an impending date. This speaks to the incentive of the theorist, as they are excited to think that this will be occurring in their lifetime. While they are portending doom, it in nonetheless thrilling to think they will witness it, plus they get to congratulate themselves for sniffing it out.

Our sleuthy scribe included a video of a replacement stone being put in place at the monument. Holding a piece of the broken stone that was being replaced, the worker asks, “Who wants a chip?” Our writer concludes that this alludes to implantable microchips that will be part of the plot.

He also figures out that MM on the monument means not the year 2000, but rather Master Mason. And there’s more, so much more malevolence: “He is also kneeling on his left knee, an unnatural position for someone who is right-handed and has the stone he is chiseling in front of his foot. However, this is the exact position an entered apprentice has when taking the Masonic oath.” All this was being done in order to reject the cornerstone, which symbolizes Jesus, and replace it with a capstone, representing Satan.

The author predicted a cataclysmic event would occur on Oct. 3, 2014. Continuing with his idiosyncratic genius, only he was able to note this when it happened. For that was the day we learned of the United States’ first confirmed Ebola case. It was only one victim, but the systematic slaughter of six billion people has to start somewhere.

While the author had vaguely predicted this event, he points out that Matt Groening and James Brooks has specifically prognosticated it in 1997. A Simpsons episode from that year featured a book, “Curious George and the Ebola Virus.” Even more delicious, the program aired on Sept. 11 of that year.

Just to be clear, Simpsons creators, along with their NWO counterparts, knew that hijacked kamikaze airliners and a deadly virus were on their way to the USA. Our writer concluded this by connecting the dots, or at least rearranging, mangling, creating, destroying, and cramming them in as necessary.

Continuing his ascension into apophenia overdrive, the writer highlights more clues he has deciphered: “Just like the Ebola virus, Curious George was taken from Africa to the USA. His name, George, could hint to the Georgia Guidestones. In the last of the original series of books, George ends up in the hospital, just like the first Ebola victim. If George represents the virus (which possibly originated from monkeys), then the Man the Yellow Hat represents the carrier, Thomas Eric Duncan. His initials spell TED, and in the 2006 Curious George film, the formerly anonymous Man in the Yellow Hat is named Ted.”

I was able to figure out two more that he missed. “Sweet Georgia Brown” references George’s color, while Ted’s complexion is about the same as a a Georgia peach. You know, I was trying ridicule the guy’s mindset, but think I came up short. My parody is less humorous than his sincerity.