Alternative medicine

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“Gag reflex” (Reflexology)

REFLEX
While at the mall, I had the option of hanging around while my wife got her hair done. But I figured if I was going to waste away in a chair surrounded by bright posters and a foreign environment, I may as well hit the relexologist.

Reflexology involves massaging the feet to treat pain or disease anywhere in the body except, ironically, the feet. Different areas of the feet are said to correspond to specific body parts. The practice is based on the unfounded notion that humans have an energy field called Qi, which relexologists manipulate in order to induce healing.

Dr. William Fitzgerald made up the idea that the body has 10 energy zones. Eunie Ingham simplified this by eliminating nine of the zones and declaring the feet to be the gateway to tissue renewal and organ mending. Neither Fitzgerald’s idea, nor Ingham’s truncated one, have any scientific basis.

I settled into my chair, which reclined and was cushier than what the salon was offering. This was paying off already. My practitioner was Asian (I correctly guessed Vietnamese). Many reflexologists have this distinction, since it appeals to those who think they are tapping into ancient Far East wisdom. This has been updated for the modern age in the assumption that Asians in general and Indians in particular are strong computer programmers.

Citing ancient, irrelevant authority is a common alternative medicine tactic, so I’m used to seeing it. But I was mortified to see the idea being promoted by the University of Minnesota through its Center for Spirituality and Healing. Also, I don’t mind a reputable university having a center for spirituality and one for healing, but am disturbed when they are the same place.

On this center’s website, it noted that reflexology was possibly used by the ancient Egyptians, Indian Buddhists, and the Dynastic Chinese. That’s some nice history there, but consciously lacking on the site was any documentation of reflexology’s efficiency.

My practitioner began gently pushing, pressing, pinching, and pulling. It was pleasant enough, better than what she was on the receiving end of: Specifics of my trip to Ho Chi Minh City. On the wall hung a chart that showed which area of the foot corresponds to which body parts. There are many such charts out there, few agreeing with each other. This would be like human anatomy being different depending on which medical school one attends.

Whatever chart is used, it is never indicated what disease or condition will be treated. The only concern is location. A man with a strained triceps muscle and another with a tumor in the same place will receive identical reflexology treatments.

Reflexologists claim they can alleviate or prevent all manner of illnesses: Migraines, stuffy sinuses, backaches, circulatory problems, hormonal imbalances, and almost anything else. However, a systematic review of randomized controlled trials concluded in 2009 that, “The best evidence available does not demonstrate that reflexology is an effective treatment for any medical condition.” A similar review in 2011 reached an identical conclusion. Other than maybe helping sore feet, reflexology has no medical value. As such, practitioner claims and patient anecdotes sustain the field, bolstered by post hoc reasoning and communal reinforcement.

Modern medicine has extended life spans, discovered anesthesia, eliminated many diseases, and assuaged others. So it is disheartening that sham treatments are embraced by so many. The substantial ignorance about how the immune system and the scientific method work is one of the reasons. Cheapness, desperation, and misplaced anti-pharmaceutical industry anxiety are other factors.

On the mortifation-inducing UM site, we are told: “Millions of people use reflexology to complement other treatments. It is growing increasingly popular across Europe and Asia as both a complement and as a preventive measure.” At no point does it claim to work. A small part of me wants to give UM credit for that, but most of me wonders why they are promoting this at all.

During my treatment, the prodding continued, with her asking me periodically if I felt any discomfort. Any tinge of pain was supposed to reveal hidden dangers lurking within. For instance, a throb in the ball of my right foot might reveal stomach ailments (though a throb in the stomach would be a better sign). She threw in the qualifier that a throb might reveal only the potential for medical misfortune.

She made it through both feet without me experiencing any tinges. This was presented as proof that reflexology was a vehicle which showed my good health. So whether a patient is sick now, tomorrow, or never, reflexology is proven to work. That sounds like a mighty sketchy conclusion, but I did get some nice peppermint tea out of the deal.

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“Serves no porpoise” (Dolphin therapy)

DOLPHIN
If cerebral palsy or a neck tumor is getting you down, splash around with marine mammals for a while and you’ll start to mend. That’s the idea behind therapy that uses dolphins, or less frequently porpoises, to treat mental and physical ailments. It is for those with plenty of disposable income and a supple definition of medicine.

A week’s worth of therapy runs about $3,000, but can appeal to desperate parents. Proponents assert that playing with intelligent, ever-smiling creatures will be beneficial, either by itself, or at least set one on the road to recovery. Some therapies consist solely of frolicking with captive dolphins, while others also incorporate traditional therapy. The latter makes it impossible to know how much of the good the animals are responsible for.

Precisely what the marine mammals are supposed to improve varies by practitioner. The list of alleviated ailments includes brain and spinal injuries, chronic pain, Down’s Syndrome, autism, epilepsy, learning disorders, chronic fatigue, and depression. The most astounding claim I unearthed was the assertion that it revived a comatose child. This seemingly would have necessitated either unhooking the youngster from medical equipment and submerging him in water, or bringing the dolphin into a hospital room. Another boasted that “Two weeks of dolphin therapy gives significantly greater improvement than six months of conventional therapy.”

Besides unsubstantiated claims, proponents also employ linguistic tactics, almost never promising a cure, but rather mitigation or alleviation. Also, most of the practitioners focus on complex cognitive-behavioral conditions, making it difficult to assess the level of improvement.

In fairness, there has been one random, controlled, dolphin-assisted therapy study published in a peer-reviewed journal, and the results were positive. However, this dealt with depression patients, and there was no follow up, a rather crucial omission considering the condition. The study also lasted just two weeks and featured only 25 patients. Other than this, all evidence is anecdotal, and there have been no other controlled studies. A key point is that double blind studies will remain impossible until science develops dolphin cyborgs.

The most extensive review of marine mammal therapy claims was made by Emory University professors Lori Marino and Scott Lilienfeld. They perused several studies and concluded that researchers made exaggerated, unprovable claims. The research used flawed methods, small sample sizes, and inadequate controls.

There are plenty of anecdotes from dolphin therapists and patients’ parents. But which is more likely: That a dolphin’s bioenergy force field assuaged an autistic child’s condition, or that the child was made a little happier owing to perfect weather, gorgeous scenery, and playing with esthetically-pleasing creatures? Marino and Lilienfeld noted that the reported improvements were broad, lacked specifics, were limited to feel-good ideas, and featured no follow-up. Besides the Emory duo, German researchers found that none of the purported studies satisfied the minimum standards for clinical trials.

Despite the scant proof it works, there are multiple guesses for how it does. Some practitioners cite the emitting of healing energy vibrations or speculate that dolphins cause the two sides of the human brain to synchronize. Another guess is that sonar has medical properties. Then we have the idea that high frequency dolphin communication alters human brain waves. Some guess ultrasound does it, but dolphins only emit at that level for 10 seconds, far too short to be beneficial. Besides, if that worked, the patient could just use ultrasound therapy, which would be much cheaper and come without pruned skin. My favorite advertisement promoted “cellular communication and healing” and “intergalactic journeying.” One therapist claimed she could put her hand over a dolphin’s photo and the other hand on the patient, transmitting the recuperative powers to the afflicted. This method allows her to eliminate the salt water and food supply costs that burden her competitors. The common ground for all these ideas is they are void of substantiating data.

One practitioner in Hawaii has announced that she hopes to employ a proactive approach. She wants to keep the conditions from occurring in the first place, by having women give birth in the ocean, with dolphins serving as midwives. So far, there have been no takers, human or dolphin.

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“Legally detoxicated” (Detox treatments)

TOXIC AVENGER big
I am a firm believer in detoxification treatment, better known as the liver and kidneys functioning properly. The liver breaks down the toxins, the kidney filters them from the blood into urine, and out they go. Aiding the process is sleep and the wonder chemical compound, dihydrogen monoxide.

For those seeking other methods, purveyors offer almost as many methods are there are purveyors. We have acupuncture, antioxidants, bloodletting, chelation, enemas, fasting, juicing, pills, veganism, massages, raw food regimens, ozone therapy, multivitamin overloads, herbal tea, body wraps, the yanking of dental fillings, and lemonade.

I have yet to come across an ad for these products in which the seller names what toxin is removed, explains how it works, or what the treatment benefits. Nor do any of them involve an exam for determining the presence and amount of toxins. While it’s true toxins can lead to kidney stones and other ailments, lemonade won’t fix this. Fasting and the removing dental fillings can be detrimental, and while the other treatments are usually harmless, they can be dangerous if a diseased person relies on detox instead of medicine.

There are a trio of pseudomedicine red flags. First, proponents note that similar treatments were used by the Egyptians and Greeks, an appeal to irrelevant ancient authority. Also, the treatments are in a constant state of flux, while the supposed benefits stay the same. Finally, wide-ranging powers are attributed to detoxification. One naturopath lauded its ability to eliminate fatigue, irritated skin, allergies, stomach infections, baggy eyes, menstrual discomfort, and confusion. Another naturopath recommends a colon flush to treat asthma, arthritis, sinus issues, chronic fatigue, and constipation. With a reach this broad, any seeming benefit can be credited to detoxification. Worse, a colon flush can be dangerous since a colon’s function includes absorbing minerals and shooting them through the bloodstream. The colon is the body part most frequently targeted for detoxing. But the nasty guck is in there because it’s supposed to be and will be exiting the body soon enough.

The most absurd claim I came across was the idea that whole body needs to be regularly detoxified. Someone as full of toxins as what some ads claim most people are would be in the hospital or morgue.

For the more visually oriented, toxic cleansers promote ionic foot baths, in which electrodes are placed in a saltwater-based solution. The seller explains that the process will help toxins exit through the feet, and the customer sees the water change from clear to dirty. However, you could put in your hands, forehead, or rubber duck and get the same result since the discoloration comes from the metals and contaminants on the electrodes. Similar are foot pads, which a person puts on before going to bed. These change color when skin moisture causes the pads’ ingredients to oxidize. The same color change will occur after any contact with moisture.

These purveyors are trying to appeal to a healthy lifestyle or, less charitably, to one’s sense of fear. In truth, toxins are not the root of most diseases. Diseases also have bacterial, viral, and genetic causes. And the ones caused by toxins won’t be cured by wrapping one’s self in seaweed and washing a homeopathic pill down with chamomile tea while leeches suck away.

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“Vitally unimportant” (Vitalism)

RAKEY

Vitalism is the idea that living organisms possess an inner entity that gives them life. This entity is considered immune from the laws of biology, chemistry, and physics. Depending on geography and audience, this entity is called animal magnetism, chi, energy, ki, prana, a soul, or a vital spark.

Early Vitalists were doing genuine science and reached honest, mistaken conclusions. The field played a role in chemistry, giving us the distinction between organic and inorganic substances. The ancient Greeks incorporated Vitalism into their nascent atomist views. A couple of millenniums later, Hans Driesch discovered he could split a fertilized sea urchin egg and watch its two halves become separate, fully-functioning urchins. He concluded this was being caused by an unseen vital force.

This and similar ideas were dismissed with the advent of genetics, the microscope, and germ theory. A key moment was when Friedrich Wohler synthesized urea from inorganic compounds. This disproved the Vitalist idea that only organisms could make such compounds. Later, Adolph Koble and Marcellin Berhelot synthesized several other organic compounds from inorganic ones. They also demonstrated that larger molecules were composed of smaller ones, as opposed to owing their existence to an esoteric life force. Closer to the modern day, biologists discovered numerous molecular scale mechanisms, such as DNA. For all the research that has been done in this field, nary a trace of vital force has been found.

Vitalism still survives on life support through many forms of alternative medicine. These practices center on the idea that humans are sustained by a force unknown to biology, a force out there somewhere, that somehow in some way sustains us. Chiropractics, acupuncture, and Reiki are all built on the premise of unblocking the flow of an undefined energy. Even more vague are ideas such as aura and chakra. But if a purported entity is immeasurable and unobservable, it is medically irrelevant.

Modern Vitalism also rests on the Appeal to Ignorance. No theory has been developed which fully explains the actions of a single cell, much less a higher form of life, so Vitalists are happy to call chi the missing piece.

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“Magnetic negligence” (Magnet therapy)

MAGNETDOLLAR
Magnet therapy is based on the idea that magnetic fields have healing powers, usually related to increased blood circulation. With one possible exception we will examine later, this idea is not backed by science.

The boldest therapy supporters claim all illnesses are due to an imbalance in energy, so it’s magic magnets to the rescue. There are no way to test these claims, and more attractive to the proponents, no way to disprove them. The field is constructed with anecdotes, post hoc reasoning, communal reinforcement, and undefined terms.

It is unproven that magnets effect the body, for which perhaps we should be thankful. There are at least 10 million chemical compounds, millions of which are toxic, exponentially more than are beneficial. There’s no more reason to try and access magnetic effects than there is to down the contents of the nearest beaker.

Magnetic medicine comes in many forms. You can sleep in a magnetic blanket on a magnetic mattress, awaken to slather on magnetic cream, don magnetic jewelry, dress in magnetic belts, straps, and insoles, then reach for your magnetic water and supplements, though by this point, you might be irresistibly drawn to the refrigerator door.

Like many pseudomedicines, magnetic therapy’s supposed methods change, while the purported results stay the same. It has been said to work as a massage, by impacting iron in red blood cells, and by creating alkaline in the body. Other theories center on alternating nerve impulses, increasing oxygen content, moving ions, and decreasing deposits on blood vessel walls. My favorite guess is that it works by filling the void left by a decrease in Earth’s magnetic field.

The CEO of one magnet company admits, “Magnets don’t cure or heal anything.” The next logical sentence would be, “But damned if I’m not cleaning up on these suckers.” Instead, he follows with, “All magnets do is set your body back to normal so the healing process can begin.” I interpret this to mean that magnets are responsible for our immune system and circadian rhythm.

The most extreme claim I came across promised it would cure cancer. So grab that Tweety Bird off the fridge and slap it on if experiencing excessive cell growth. Another company instructed, “The necklace should be put on as soon as the headache appears and removed as soon as it goes away,” guaranteeing success against any headache lasting less than a lifetime. Magnetic therapy is also used on thoroughbreds, with nary an equine complaint.

Pain relief, especially arthritis, is the most frequently-cited benefit. Arthritis flame-ups vary from day to day, and throughout the day, so any improvement gets credited to the magnet, a regressive fallacy.

Proponents will frequently chime in that there’s nothing to lose. To put that another way, “Medicines A and B were ineffective, so I will rub iron blocks on my wrist in a circular motion.” There should be a reason to think a method will work before trying it, and there is a dearth of reproducible double blind studies suggesting this.

In fairness, there is one feather in the magnetic field therapy cap. In a double blind study at Baylor, permanent magnets resulted in post-polio knee pain subjects experiencing substantially better results than the control group.

The study has not been reproduced and the sample size of 50 was relatively small. Still, there is scientific backing to the idea that, with this specific ailment, permanent magnets may aid in pain relief.

Still, the possibility that magnetic therapy has this value fails to justify using it to stimulate nerve endings, correct energy imbalances caused by electromagnetic contamination, or reinvigorate the thighs of champion race horses.

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“Doctor’s disorders” (Deepak Chopra)

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Ayurvedic is a form of alternative medicine whose tenets were first written on palm leaves in Sanskrit in 3000 BCE. If India’s 112th place rating in overall health is any indication, the field has grown little in the last 5,000 years.

Its most prominent champion is Deepak Chopra, who claims modern physics has validated ancient Hindu teachings. This is an unrequited love. No scientists are claiming that ancient Hindu teachings validate modern physics.

Chopra asserts a connection between quantum physics and consciousness. He asserts no connection between this claim and any science or testing. Chopra insists that patients are classified by three body types and that he can tell these types by taking their pulse. No double blind or comparison testing is done. In fact, Ayurvedic proponents consider scientific tests superfluous since they can tell the medicinal quality of any substance by looking at it.

The three body types are determined by the doshas, areas which Chopra says regulate mind-body harmony. He considers illness and disease to be the consequence of a dosha imbalance. The vata governs movement in the mind and body and must also be kept in good balance. Depending on the malady, an Ayurvedic practitioner determines if a patient has too little or too much vata, then prescribes a diet. The treatment will leave the patient saturated in New Age benefits, such as restored harmony, balance achievement, and mind-body synergy.

The field focuses primarily on diet and herbal treatments. These are unproven at best and dangerous at worst. High amounts of lead have been found in Ayurvedic treatments and a study of shops in Boston found dangerous amounts of arsenic, lead, and mercury in the medicines.

Chopra claims that perfect health is a matter of choice and that quantum healing will even overcome aging. A counterargument is the death rate of Ayurvedic patients holding steady at 100 percent.

Chopra believes that the mind heals by harmonizing the quantum mechanical body. He never defines his terms, nor provides evidence of their existence. Other claims, again backed by no studies, include that poor digestion is the cause of allergies and that aging can be halted by “directing the way our bodies metabolize time.”

Ayurvedic treatments promise a number of wonders, such as lubricating joints, moisturizing skin, improving memory, curing cancer, and making one less envious. If you cured someone’s cancer, they’d no longer envy the healthy, so you’d knock out two right there.

Ayurvedic has a number of bizarre and unsavory prescriptions. This includes treating cataracts by brushing your teeth and scraping your tongue, spitting into a cup of water, then washing your eyes with this concoction.

There is also the panchakarma treatment, which consists of essential oil ingestion, vomiting, purging, an enema, herbal inhalation, and bloodletting. After that routine, anything would be better, so in a way this does serve to make the patient feel healthier.

Then we have rasa shastra, which is consuming arsenic, lead, and mercury baked in bovine excrement. There are no double blind studies on this one, as they had trouble finding volunteers.

One enterprising person built a computer program and fed in Chopra Tweets, then generated random sentences from these Tweets. He put three of those next to an untouched one to see how many persons could guess the Chopra original. Here’s the list:

“Perception is inherent in cosmic possibilities.”
“Interdependence inspires quantum life.”
“Hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”
“Freedom heals self-righteous knowledge”.

I’m unsure which one is real, but I’m pretty sure they all say the same thing.

James Randi offers a million dollars to anyone who can prove paranormal abilities under agreed-upon conditions. Chopra has countered with his own challenge, daring skeptics to prove how thoughts are formed. This makes no sense as a counter challenge. Randi doesn’t believe in the paranormal, so Chopra’s challenge would only be consistent if Chopra didn’t believe that thoughts were formed.

But as to the answer, Deepak: Thoughts are formed when a dosha localizes its awareness in order to harmonize with its vata and restore balance with its quantum mechanical body and toothpaste cataract water.

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“Losing Patients” (Consegrity)

DRDEATH
Consegrity is a faith healing practice that is 100 percent faith and zero percent healing. It was started by someone who should have known better: Georgetown School of Medicine alum Mary Lynch. Her co-founder, Debra Harrison, died from a combination of untreated diabetes and stupidity while receiving consegrity treatments from Lynch. According to Harrison’s family members, Lynch blamed the death not on diabetes but on the family members’ “negative energy.” Despite their pleas, Harrison never sought medical care.

The first consegrity victim was Harrison’s mother, who died a few months before her daughter. The elder Harrison used consegrity to treat extreme body aches and jaundice. The daughter attributed the ailments to unspecified cellular toxins that would disappear once detoxification was complete.

By the time the mother went to the hospital, she had developed an inoperable, grapefruit-sized tumor. In perhaps the all-time ad hoc rationalization, her daughter claimed the diagnosis didn’t reveal the cancer, but caused it. The negative thoughts, she surmised, caused consegrity’s efficiency to collapse, giving birth to the tumor. Lynch died in 2012, presumably from a consegrity overdose.

The field’s literature finds the usual batch of undefined, unprovable, unfalsifiable New Age buzzwords: Awareness, balance, disruption, dynamics, interactive energy fields, paradigm, quantum something or other, and state shifting. Some originality is shown by addressing a “cell’s spiritual trauma,” and we have an Einstein reference for good measure.

The crucial difference between this treatment and the likes of Reiki and crystal healing is that consegrity, used as instructed, will kill you. Many other New Age healing methods promise only to restore one’s harmony or balance an energy field. Consegrity practitioners, however, assure patients they will be cured of ADHD, allergies, asthma, back pain, cancer, chronic fatigue, depression, eating disorders, fibromyalgia, headaches, heart disease, HIV, and learning disabilities. They also note it can improve athletic performance and work on animals. The co-founder also claimed it cured diabetes, though she was disinclined to prove this on herself. It is a dead giveaway of pseudomedicine to make claims this wide-ranging. It can cure everything except gullibility.

Lynch’s defunct website read, “We can bring order to chaos, unity to our mind, body, and spirit, and awaken to a planet reborn through remembering who we really are.” In this case, what you are is dead for taking this as your medical advice.

As to how it works, the description is so drenched in undefined gobbledygook, it’s hard to figure out. But it seems to center on cleaning up negative energy around one’s cells. Or rather, paying someone who has plunked down $2,000 for consegrity training to do it for you. The healer detects negative energy inside the patient’s cells, removes it and transmits it to positive energy, then reenters it into the patient. No explanation is given for how this works, nor has any study been done on its efficacy.

Another pseudomedicine sign is the proponents’ insistence that this is a settled science. One merely needs to clean up an energy field and everything is fixed for good.

For consegrity, the death of both co-founders and one of their mothers proved a huge blow, but not a fatal one. A few practitioners are out there. One site wrote of the technique: “There is no difference in results between a distance session and a local session. The client’s inherent wisdom is guiding the practitioner throughout the session.” So you don’t need to show up and the attendant needn’t do anything. That’ll be $500, please.

Deeper into the site, we learn, “Consegrity can enhance positive emotions and can dissipate negative emotions. Emotional healing through consegrity will improve every facet or your health.” Yep, it’s as simple as mind over matter and melanoma.

Still later, we see that, “The patient may need more sessions to address the source.” Rather odd for someone who has received a panacea. Going on, it reads, “Patience is important to allow for full healing, as you’re addressing cause. It’s a long-term solution.” How long term depends on how much time goes by before you die from an untreated disease.

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“L. Ron Shuttered” (Scientology)

CLAMMANThe four main targets of skeptics are the paranormal, alternative medicine, pseudoscience, and religion. The one entity that fits in all these categories is Scientology.

It started in the early 1950s as a mix of hypnosis, science fiction, and terrible psychology. A few years later, L. Ron Hubbard founded the Church of Scientology after saying he discovered the soul (and its accompanying tax exempt status).

He outlines his ideas in Dianetics. Throughout the book, Hubbard makes vague, extraordinary, and unfalsifiable claims, such as “Dianetics contains a therapeutic technique which can treat all inorganic mental ills and organic psychosomatic ills, with assurance of a complete cure.” Grandiose, untestable, and non-peer reviewed claims like these are featured in many other pseudosciences and pseudomedicines. What differentiates Scientology from the rest is its $100,000,000 in annual tax free income.

If Dianetics truly is medicine, that means Scientologists should be arrested for practicing it without a license. Moving onto the pseudoscientific, Hubbard writes, “Dianetics is an organized science of thought built on definite axioms and natural laws and physical sciences.” However, Hubbard never uses the Scientific Method, never explains his research (generously assuming he conducted any), and subjected none of it to peer review.

The gist of it all is that mental and psychosomatic illnesses are traced to engrams. These are ghosts of unpleasant experiences. If something bad happens when hearing a lawn mower, hearing the same sound later might bring back that bad feeling or illness. Anxiety, claustrophobia, and hacking coughs all come back to the engram. There is no way to empirically test such claims and Diantetics “research” is limited to anecdotes from persons who may not be real.

Dianetics is an arduous read, full of undefined terms, unproven claims, and insufferable, tangential language. One example: “An engram is a definite and permanent trace left by a stimulus on the protoplasm of a tissue. It is considered as a unit group of stimuli impinged solely on the cellular being. Engrams are only recorded during periods of physical or emotional suffering. During those periods the analytical mind shuts off and the reactive mind is turned on. The analytical mind has all kinds of wonderful features, including being incapable of error.”

Imagine going through 600 pages of that. No telling how many engrams that has caused. Elsewhere, Hubbard writes, “Cells are evidently sentient in some currently inexplicable way. Unless we postulate a human soul entering the sperm and ovum at conception, there are things which no other postulate will embrace than that these cells are in some way sentient.” Hubbard here gets in three logical fallacies in just two sentences: The false dilemma, the appeal to ignorance and begging the question.

Like all good religions, Scientology creates both the problem and the solution. To get cured of an illness, you need a Dianetic therapist to release the engram. To do this, the Scientologist uses what Hubbard calls a reverie. He describes this as intense use of a faculty of the brain which everyone possesses, but only Hubbard got around to noticing. Hubbard goes through a verbose description of the process, but in the end it’s little more than one man telling another his worries. A bartender does that, plus you get a beer with it.

Accompanying these release sessions are a piece of ersatz electronics called an Electropsychometer, a sort of rudimentary polygraph. Per Dianetics, the meter is used to measure “the state of electrical characteristics of the static field surrounding the body,” a scientifically worthless claim. Usually, the subject holds something akin to a soda can with protruding wires, while repeating “Thetan.” Once free of engrams, the person “would be in full control of their mind and psyche. As such they would have special abilities, such as perfect memory and analytical powers.” So then, an hour with Scientology Man and one’s problems are solved for life, right?

In reality, sessions get more costly and can create a cycle of persons returning for more expansive and expensive cures. The meter, when used by a trained Scientologist, is supposed to show if a person has been freed of spiritual baggage. With a claim this vague, as well as there being no way to tell how the meter works or how the therapist is reading the data, the subject can be kept coming back indefinitely. With the money some people spend on this, they could have started their own movement.

Since it only became a church for legal benefits, Scientology barely ventures onto religious terrain. But when it does, it can compete with the Venusian telepathic communicators and Magic Underwear purveyors. It teaches that an alien dubbed Xenu led a contingent of space ships to Earth 75 million years ago and blew up some volcanoes. Aliens died in the explosion, with any persons that have come along since bearing the Scientology equivalent of Original Sin. Blurring the thin line between religion and the paranormal, Scientology holds that the alien genocide victims are still around in energy form, emitting negative vibes that Diantetics will protect from. Hubbard was a science fiction writer before penning Dianetics, so Xenu and his minions may be part of a shelved work.

Scientology doesn’t really address god, but Scientologists who attain a higher level can access Thetans, which are the dead space aliens. These are the same aliens that were best avoided before, but graduate level Scientologists presumably have some secret knowledge that allow them to do this safely. Scientology maintains man is immortal, but offers little about the afterlife or how people can increase their chances of a good one.

The movement has a litany of other oddities, such as believing in man’s descent from clams. Also, Hubbard was against both breastfeeding and baby formula. So he came up with his own concoction, one conspicuously lacking in vitamins. He was also against pain medication for birthing mothers, a great irony since he was also against noise in the delivery room. Then we have the Purification Rundown, where Scientologists ingest large doses of vitamins before hopping in the sauna for a five-hour sojourn. I actually do this one. Except the vitamins are in orange juice form and I skip the sauna part.

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“Ploy Touch” (Joy Touch energy healing)

JOYTOUCH2There are people who make a good living selling homeopathic tablets, Q Ray bracelets, and tachyon water. But those who really have it figured out eliminate shipping and manufacturing costs by selling consumers nothing.

Joy Touch is a meditative technique developed by MIT graduate Pete Sanders. He says the Joy Touch will help people conquer fear and disease, aid in weight loss and smoking cessation, and do whatever else the customer needs it to. It works, at least for Sanders, as customers will attribute whatever good comes after using the technique.

In the Joy Touch method, one assumes the standard meditative pose and posture. Next, the subject imagines a line from the center of their forehead to the center of the brain. Then, they envision gently massaging that region while contemplating the desired change. The idea is that the center of the brain works as a remote control for the hypothalamus, the brain’s pleasure center. That’s pretty much it for the Joy Touch. So if you were thinking about using it, I just saved you $25 and a trip to Sanders’ business in Sedona, Ariz.

Sanders also authored, “You Are Psychic,” which would seem to make buying a book on becoming one superfluous.

Sanders wiggles technical terms into his work in order to impress and confuse. For instance, he references String Theory, but presents it as a settled issue that there are 10 dimensions, all of which humans can enter. In truth, the world’s best physicists have genuine disagreement on String Theory, and none of them assert it can be used to foresee people’s emotions, access undiscovered senses, or interpret a body’s energy field.

With no proof, he asserts the existence of four Psychic Reception Centers. He claims these will lead to four senses that remain locked inside most of us. “By doing this you will double your number of senses,” he asserts, using rather shaky math for an MIT graduate. Whatever the numbers, Sanders claims this will help the customer increase the amount of information they receive about people, places, and events. None of his claims are falsifiable, none of his work has been subjected to peer review, and none of the conclusions have been arrived at by the Scientific Method. Another pseudoscience trademark is the book abounding in undefined and unproven terms, such as free soul reflection, joy center, and scientific vortex.

As to the Psychic Reception Areas, Sanders writes that, “Once you know their location and how to use them, you will be able to access your four psychic senses on command.” The only thing students will have command of is improved post hoc reasoning skills, as whatever good that occurs will be attributed to their new abilities.

Jumping back onto scientific coattails, Sanders writes, “Vision depends on light waves striking the eye. Hearing works by sensing sound waves.” From that he veers into, “Psychic senses follow a similar pattern, except the energies they interact with cannot be discerned physically or measured by current technology.” Put another way, there’s no evidence for them.

He writes that we didn’t always understand electricity, but now enjoy its benefits. This is another common pseudoscience technique, trying to attach one’s self to vindicated geniuses.

Sanders notes one need not access the four bonus senses continually and, in fact, you want to be able to turn them off when needed. To be sure, we wouldn’t want to disrupt our sense of Future Time or overwork our Cosmic Energies.

Sanders relates that his interest in this stuff began in his teens, when he “went on search for spiritual sustenance with my mother, Aurora.” I have issues with most of what Sanders writes, but I believe him here. Searching for spiritual sustenance with Aurora, no way he could make that up.

This search succeeded, and he writes he learned that mystics and psychics knew things that “could not be known or obtained through physical senses.” To be sure, they are known or obtained through cold reading, generalities, and subjective validation.

Sanders says some psychics, feeling pressured to perform, exaggerate their abilities. They want to help, so they make the people think they can do it. But when the expectations or promises fall short, customers become disillusioned. To relieve the overburdened fortune tellers and their frustrated clients, Sanders wrote “You Are Psychic” so everybody can become one. Among the advantages of using these techniques is being able to gauge people’s genuineness. For example, he writes, “Wouldn’t you like to be able to hear the truth about a product when a salesman is trying to sell you something?”

Careful what you wish for, Sanders.

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“Done in Down Under” (Kingergetics)

DRQUACK2Kinergetics is a purported type of energy healing. Like kangaroos, it is mostly limited to Australia. It also hops all over the pseudomedicine landscape, incorporating applied kinesiology, thought field therapy, intuitive healing, and therapeutic touch.

Kingertics.com describes the technique as “fast, painless, and natural.” It is certainly fast, as patients shell out $140 for a six-minute session. It is indeed painless, as you are touched by no equipment and receive no injections or other medicine. With regard to the final claim, the site notes that kinergetics uses “the body’s natural healing energy.” Left unexplained is why you would need a practitioner since the body is naturally healing itself.

Like most pseudomedicine, kinergetics makes vague, wide-ranging clams. In this case, they are the most extreme I’ve come across, as it can cure ALL disease and sickness. In a technical sense, it isn’t claiming it will cure measles or chronic fatigue syndrome specifically, but it will unblock the energy flow that is causing these maladies. If the person isn’t cured, another unblocking attempt is needed (and paid for). Typical in the alternative medicine field, any seeming successes are proof of it working, while any failures are due to the patient lacking the proper energy field, harmony flow, or chi balance.

Not everyone doing kinergetics will make claims this broad since there are no prerequisites or education required and, hence, no standards. Practitioners can throw in whatever techniques or terms they want to. One video shows a practitioner whose main tactic was doing what the patient’s shoulder muscles told him to. Other times jaw muscles are used, as the patient will explain what they think they need, and the practitioner will gladly go down this path to a self-fulfilled healing prophecy.

Now we’ll break down kinergetics’ planks: Applied kinesiology, thought field therapy, intuitive healing, and therapeutic touch.

Kinesiology is the study of human movement and is a legitimate field. But in this field, out in left with a hockey stick, is applied kinesiology. It holds that measuring muscle resistance will determine the health of organs and identify nutrient deficiencies. There are at least a half dozen peer-reviewed studies debunking this idea and none that support it. As such, some kinergetics practitioners downplay the muscle claim and highlight that it clears up chi blockage, which appeals to New Agers.

Thought Field Therapy holds that negative emotions cause energy blockage and that removing this block through acupressure points will make the fears go poof, bye-bye. Skeptic Monica Pignotti conducted a controlled experiment in which patients were touched where the therapy says they should be, while other patients were touched in random areas. Both groups reported excellent results, indicating it was all the power of suggestion.

Intuitive healing and therapeutic touch are both based on the idea that you can move your hands all around to do medical magic. They target ideas that can never be tested, such as aura imbalance, chi blockage, and energy misalignment. They rely on confirmation bias, communal reinforcement, and wishful thinking. They also thrive on the regressive fallacy, which is the failure to take into account natural fluctuations when ascribing causes to situations.

The website makes the astounding claim that at the root of all illness and disease are energy imbalances. Practitioners offer no definition of what an energy imbalance is, other than to employ the circular reasoning that illnesses are a sign of it. Your uncle’s pancreatic cancer? Not excessive cell growth, but a lack of harmony in his energy rhythm. That nasty cough you can’t get rid of? Unrelated to your cubicle mate who also had it; your emotional flow needs corrected.

The website makes claims such as this one with no evidence and no definition of unfamiliar terms: “The human body is like a house that is constantly being rebuilt to an energetic plan. If this plan becomes damaged in any way, the body cannot rebuild itself in a healthy manner.” That’s right, folks, we homo sapiens have no immune system, but we’ll build one for you.

Competing for the site’s most hyperbolic point, we have this beauty: “The body stores all memory of everything we have ever done, seen, or experienced.” This site would have you believe you know what you had for lunch on Feb. 1, 1985, and can recall every line of alternative medicine tripe you’ve ever come across.

Going on it reads, “When dealing with allergies it has been found that there may have been a substance present at the time.” Yes, that would be an allergen.

It then lapses into a rare point of accuracy with, “Have you ever heard a song or smelt something that has bought back memories to you? The body is accessing memory associated with these sounds or smells.” After piggybacking on a legitimate point, into segues into this gobbledygook: “In the same way that the body accesses memory associated with a substance, it will react in an unpleasant manner if the original experience was unpleasant.” Instead of seeing an allergist, come to us and we’ll block the negative energy flow.

For evidence of the field’s efficiency, the website cites 300 anonymous testimonials, which is 300 more than the number of medical studies it references.