This past weekend, the second annual Quad Cities Psychic and Paranormal Fair was held. Sponsors encouraged attendees to keep an open mind, but I did leave room in there for three questions for those plying their mystic merchandise: What is this? How does it work? How do you know it works?

We’ll take one merchant at a time, followed by analysis of their psychic prowess.

BROKEN RECORD

What is this?

I can talk with animals, I can do Akashik readings, and I do intuitive readings.

What is an Akashik reading?

An Akashik record is an energetic record of your soul across all lifetimes. It goes a little deeper than other types of readings.

How does it work?

We open your records by saying a prayer and then you I ask you questions and we have a conversation and I give you the information that comes to me, and we have a dialogue.

How do you know it works?

Because I feel the energy coming in and it makes me shudder.

Analysis: Sounds like a draft.

TURTLE SOUP

What is this?

I do animal spirit readings

What is that?

You pick out the cards and based on what animals you pick, it tells me about you. For instance, the turtle represents Mother Earth, so that would show you’re concerned about the environment.

How does it work?

We pick one card for each of the directions and one card for the middle, and we can reference what that says about you. Then my guides come through and protect against negative energy so we know the reading is accurate.

How do you know it works?

Because people ask me, “How did you know that?” And I say, “I don’t.” I never know what’s going to come through. I’m just a conduit for the animal guides.

Analysis: I recommend the zoo instead. You get more than five animals and you cut out the middle man since they can guide themselves.

CERTIFICATE OF INAUTHENTICITY

What is this?

Angel-reading cards

How does it work?

We let you know what the angels have to say. She has her deck and I have mine, so you two angel readers for the price of one. It reveals what they want you to know. Angels are around us all the time. The archangels will come and let you know who or what can help you.

How do you know it works?

Because I’m certified.

Analysis: She’s winging it.

THE HEAD SCRATCHER

What is this?

Craniosacral therapy.

How does it work?

It has to do with the cerebral spinal fluid, which is what houses all of the nerves in the nervous system. This therapy bathes and nourishes and protects it. It’s it the meninges, in the cranium, and goes all the way to the sacrum. And the idea is that there’s a rhythm that’s involved in the expansion and contraction of the craniosacral system. The sutures in the cranial bones allow for some flexibility and the idea is to make sure the system is able to expand and contract without any restrictions.

Is it for specific issues like a sore arm or for general health?

It works for everything.

How do you know it works?

It’s similar to massage or chiropractic, but focuses on the scalp. It balances the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. One is for fight-or-flight and the other is for digestion, rest, and immune system functioning. What craniosacral therapy does is beneficial in resetting those two contrary nervous systems.

Analysis: Recommended for dandruff.

STONE CRYSTAL PILOTS

What is this?

Crystals and stones.

How do they work?

They have different aspects for healing. For instance, this chart shows that agate is for bringing stability to your life, or that topaz makes you more financially stable. You just put them in your pocket and use them as a focal point.

How do you know it works?

Because different people have channeled information about them.

Analysis: Change the channel.

POSITIVE BIOFEEDBACK

What is this?

Biofeedback and chakra imaging. It’s going to tell me what your chakras look like and how balanced everything is inside of you, and I get intuitive information as well.

How does it work?

It has biosensors. You put your hand here and it reads your heartrate and it tells me exactly what you look like. It’s very accurate. It’s less influenced by the things around you than is the Kirlian photography. Whatever is vibrating close to you in your auric field will be the most prominent.

What does it reveal?

It gives you confirmation for the things that are going on that you need validation for, that you maybe didn’t want to look at. I channel spirits a lot so I can see what a person is going through.

How do you know it works?

The validation of the people that I’ve read over the years.

Analysis: Valid reports of those seeking validation reporting being validated.

LIGHTEN UP

What is this?

Past-life readings

How does it work?

The spirit gives me a vision and I start describing that and it goes into more detail. I ask the spirit to show me what is most important for you to know right now, just look for patterns, things that need healing, or help you understand why you are the way you are.

How do you know it works?

Some people I can see are lighter when they get up out of the chair because a weight has been lifted. For instance, if you have a phobia about snakes or closed spaces, you go back to when that began, then it cures it all the way down the timeline.

Analysis: Not recommended for weight loss.

KNIFE STRIFE

What is this?

Shamanic healing

What is that?

Your energy body sometimes picks up energy that is heavy. It can be the result of accidents, traumas, or a childhood experience. What we do is detect them and clear them out of your field. We get information along the way so as we’re reading somebody, we might get information about what is going on.

Is it physical healing or more mental?

That depends on the energy in your field. You might have physical pain in the back of your shoulder because there’s some heavy energy directed toward it. If someone stabbed you in the back metaphorically, you can feel it physically.

What is the healing process like?

We remove that heavy energy and return it to normal. Sometimes it’s in thought form and caused by our belief systems and the way we were raised. We hold onto that but it doesn’t really serve us. The energy comes from our ancestors. It’s in our DNA.

How do you know it works?

We see the change in our clients. Do you sense energy here that is stuck in your back?

My back seems fine, but I’ll remember to be on the lookout for energy blockage there.

Analysis: Won’t be back.

OILS NOT WELL

What is this?

Essential oils. They all do good stuff for the body.

How does it work?

Smell it. That gets it into your system. You can put a dab in your palm or your wrist. That puts it in the bloodstream that takes it to the rest of the body. Normally we say put it on the bottom of your feet because it has all the reflex points.

(Looking at chart) So if you have frankincense, you could use it on these illnesses?

Frankincense is an excellent oil, yes.

How do you know it works?

Young Living is the only essential oil that has the research behind it.

Such as what?

Here is a reference book that talks about the basics of essential oils and their purity. It shows photos of some of the farms where the plants are grown. We own the majority of our farms. The soil is completely organic and completely pure. There hasn’t been any chemical touching it. We repopulate, we replant, you can look up each oil and find out tons of information about it, and its constituents. It also tells you historically how it was used, it has information on the various blends you can create and what those are good for. I could just go on and on.

(She could go on and on, although apparently without addressing the research my question was about). But you’re saying they’ve done studies about this?

Young Living is full of doctors and researchers and scientists constantly doing research. We lead the world in frankincense research for cancer and tumors.

You can use frankincense for cancer?

Frankincense is one of the best cancer fighters around, and lemon is also very anti-tumoral and fights cancers.

I was thinking chemotherapy for cancer patients, and here they should have been gardening.

If a cancer patient had started using frankincense 10 years ago, chances are things could be different. Even if they’re in chemo now, adding this to their regimen could help. Ours are pure, the other essential oil companies’ products are chemically made.

And these don’t contain chemicals?

None.

They’d have to have chemicals in them.

Young Living oils do not have chemicals in them, no compounds, nothing.

Anything beyond a pure element is going to be a compound or a mixture.

Young Living uses plant products.

But they still contain chemical compounds. Even water is a chemical compound.

I’m not a scientist. (This won the day’s “No Shit” Award)

Well, what is this graph here with the chakras?

The oils have very high frequencies and energies. Some of them are better at promoting chakra health depending on where you use it. This tells you frankincense is very good for the head or that lavender works around the heart. If you want to anoint each chakra as you’re mediating, this enhances that. And then there’s a blend called White Angelica that repels negativity and increases your frequency and your spirits.

Do you use them?

Oh yes. I threw out all that junk – medicines, cleaning supplies, makeup, and it just took a weight off the house. The negativity of those chemical products was not there.

Analysis: Compound fracture

GAG REFLEX

What is this?

Reflexology.

How does it work?

I massage your hands and feet and feel for the pressure points. I can sometimes tell what’s going on in your body and adjust it or help you overcome your issues or detect the energies.

How do you know if something needs fixed?

(Takes my hand). Do you feel that little pop there? That’s what I feel for and know that something is stressed.

How do you know it works?

My clients say, “That feels better.”

Analysis: Good if you need to outsource your knuckle-popping.

TELE-PHONY

What is this?

Thomas Edison’s spirit phone, the spirit phone to the dead. You turn it on and can her your loved ones’ voices come through.

How does it work?

I’m going to talk a little more about it in a presentation at 1 p.m. (I’m sensing he wants me to pay. I foresee not doing so).

How do you know it works?

Thousands of people have heard the voices come through. (Or sounds that were voices with the help of apophenia and a tremendous amount of conditioning and prompting).

Analysis: Hang up.

GOOD READ

What is this?

Energy readings.

How does it work?

I just read your energy and a lot of things come up and I can provide guidance. It’s like most other readings except that I don’t use cards

How do you know it works?

I’m usually right on with what’s going on with people. And it doesn’t necessarily have a lot of detail about them. It’s just kind of where you’re at and what kind of balance you need. Do you come to these kind of events very often?

Well, they’ve had two and I’ve been to both of them, so I guess I’m a regular.

You must have some kind of an interest in this stuff.

You’ve got me down. You ARE an energy reader, you know me.

That’s what I sensed from you, that you had an interest in this kind of stuff. (She sensed it within two minutes of meeting me at an event that focused entirely on the topic!)

Analysis: Weakly reader

I’M COMING, ELIZABETH

What is this?

Past-life Hypnosis.

Who is Elizabeth?

She is who I was in a past life.

How does this work?

I do it as a therapy. If someone has a lot of weight they can’t get rid of, we delve into why, and sometimes it will be several past lives. One woman had 100 pounds she could not get rid of. In a past life she was a small child and her father left them, then her mother died. She was scrounging for food and starved to death. That had happened to her in a couple of lifetimes. Her compensation in this life was to always have her refrigerator and cupboard full, and to eat constantly, from her previous life’s fear of starvation.

How do you pick up their past lives, or do the clients pick them up?

I tell them, go back to whatever, and tell me what you’re experiencing.

How to you know it works?

It could be just that their subconscious mind venturing to some area that help them resolve issues. Can I proves there is such a thing as reincarnation? No. Can I prove it doesn’t exist? No.

Oh, you’re a Ph.D. What in?

Chemical hypnotherapy.

Analysis: Doctored credentials.

MACHINE IN THE GHOST

What is this?

Paranormal investigations

What is it?

We do mostly residences. We check them out and see if there’s a ghost there.

How does it work?

These are some of the tools we use. This is an EMF reader, and this is a K2. We also have motion detectors and cameras.

When you pick something up, how do you know it’s a ghost as opposed to something else causing the frequency or electronic disturbance?

If it’s a ghost, it will have a lot more electricity and it has a lot of dead space around it. You can tell because it will answer your question. You can ask it to beep once for yes or twice for no.

Can they ask you questions?

For that, we use a radio to detect what’s going on and you can pick up the voice.

Analysis: There’s a 50 percent chance they’re right about it being a ghost. The only other voices that come through the radio belong to the living.

GIVEN THE RUNE-AROUND

What is this?

Rune readings. They come out of Viking culture. The runes were given to them by the gods to help clarify their mind.  

How does it work?

I have people put their hands in the bowl and spin around, until one feels good. They do that five times. Each symbol has a different meaning and they play off of each other. I just tell the person what it says. It’s up to them to relate it to their question.

How do you know it works?

Because I’ve done it for myself many a time. If I have trouble or questions or need clarification, I pull them out and think, yeah. It helps to clarify the situation, and sometimes it reveals something you didn’t want to acknowledge. Sometimes it’s what other people have told you many times.

Analysis: I can relate because other people have told me stories just like this many times. It’s called subjective validation.

TATTOO YOU

What is this?

I’m an astrologer

How does it work?

When you’re born, all the energy is tattooed onto your soul and that’s what we read, your energetic soul. It tells me a little bit about where you left off in your past life, you soul’s intent for this lifetime, and some of the major areas you need to focus on.

How to you access it?

I just need the time and place of your birth.

How do you know it works?

Because I’ve lived through it and heard a lot of testimonials. It’s been scientifically proven that every planet, star, and asteroid has its own energy, so that energy comes down and effects all of humanity.

What kind of energy is it?

I don’t know, other than we each have our own specific energy that we’re made of. The cosmos are very chaotic right now and so it’s very chaotic down here, with the earthquake in Nepal and riots in Baltimore. The earth is absorbing all that energy.

Analysis: Baltimore Flop.

BIOHAZARD

What is this?

This is acupressure and reflexology, and we also have a biomat.

What is a biomat?

It’s cleansing and energizing. It has amethyst crystals woven throughout it. Even to just lay on it for a while is refreshing. You feel yourself sinking, sinking, sinking into the sea of warmth and you’ll feel it penetrating. What happen is, the far infrared heat passes deeper into your internal organs.

What is acupressure?

The pressing of certain points on your body, and I know where they are. It stimulates those acupressure points and relaxes the muscles and helps you feel better. Or if you have the flu, it would help boost your immune system.

What is reflexology?

I have this handy-dandy chart here. You can see here that your internal organs are represented on your feet. So just by pressing the corresponding point, it stimulates the healing process to these organs. It increases the flow of chi, which is your life force energy that flows through these energetic chakras called meridians. The ideas is to stimulate so your body release neurochemicals.

How do you know it works?

Well, women who can’t get pregnant can get pregnant. People with huge sinus issues walk out and can breathe, a person has a headache and it’s gone. People don’t understand how it works. But reflexology goes way back to Egyptian times. Acupuncture goes back to Chinese medicine 3 to 5,000 years ago. If it didn’t work, people wouldn’t be using it.

Analysis: Seems to be working in reverse. I only got a headache after hearing all this.

WATCHING PAINT DRY

What is this?

I paint your soul. It takes about an hour and a half.

How does it work?

You give me your name – it has to be your birth name – and your birthday, and the spirit guides me to create these. It talks to me and that’s how it happens. It’s been happening since I was very young. Some people say, “I don’t like this or that,” but that’s just it. That’s what God told me to paint. The spirit tells me what you are, not what you want.

How do you know it works?

Because I always see it. I don’t question it any more.

Analysis: Souled out.

PICTURE DAZE

What is this?

Aura photography. Everybody has an aura energy that is around them. We have a camera that takes a picture of it.

How does it work?

It’s based on Kirlian photography and you put your hand here and it gets the feedback off of it, and you can see the colors. It means different things depending on what’s going on. It’s energy that’s put off and it also gives details as to what’s going on in your chakras. You can see your energy throughout your entire body.

Analysis: Aura of gullibility.

CRUDE PYRAMID

What is this?

Attunement. This pyramid will connect to the universal vibrational energy field being emitted to our planet. You will be attuned to an amazing, powerful, and more highly-refined spiritual energy by opening your upper chakras to receive those given to you.

How does it work?

Pyramids have been around for many centuries. This is a model of the Giza pyramid, and the energy of a Giza pyramid is as a transmitter. Then this over here is a 4-4-4 pyramid, meaning it is four feet wide, high, and deep, and you sit inside it. Your body is an electromagnetic field and on a daily basis, it collects harmful debris from the environment, from X-rays, from cell phones, and from things we don’t even think about. The worst is people energy. Everybody’s intuitive, so if you’re in a group and they’re all negative, you can feel it. When you’re in the pyramid, it reverses the polarity of the negative charge that’s attached to you.

How do you know it works?

Scientists figured it out.

Analysis: My intuition feels negative about this.

I will close by relating that I found one merchant I believed in, one who proved she could deliver as promised. Consistent with her claimed ability, the concessionaire handed me a 7-Up and popcorn. And I’m pretty sure the corn was GMO.