Akashic Records are said to contain data on everything that has ever happened, is  happening, or ever will happen. I had always called that the NSA.

But the Record goes even further that what domestic spies can do. They contain a complete compilation of every emotion, thought, and biological process of every creature at every point in time. If needing to know the third-to-last thing the final dodo ate or how many second cousins the MVP of Super Bowl 800 will have, these Records are for you.

Proponents claim the concept dates to before the advent of time. If appealing to antiquity, might as well go all the way. But a more accurate timescale pegs 19^th Century Theosophy as the starting point. This religion/philosophy sought to determine the nature of divinity and the origin and purpose of the universe. It believed hidden ancient knowledge would reveal the way to enlightenment and immortality. The Akashic Records were said to be where this sacred information resided.

Believers say the records were accessed by ancient cultures, though only the cool ones: Babylonians, Druids, Egyptians, Greeks, Mayans, Persians, and Tibetans. Contradicting these claims are a complete lack of reference to the Akashic records in any writings or archeological remains of these peoples.

It would be easy to test someone who claims to be accessing a repository of infinite knowledge. Researchers could isolate the subject, then gather verifiable information that few would know, such as the name of the Belgian foreign minister in 1930. Ask 10 such questions and a perfect score from anyone other than Ken Jennings would be evidence that the record is being accessed.

As it is, however, those claiming to be looking through this cosmic microfilm give contradictory information. Psychics Edgar Cayce, Alice Bailey, Charles Leadbeater, Levi Downing, and Rudolf Steiner all cited this infallible source but gave different conclusions as to what they were seeing. Some of the more distinctive claims were Leadbetter’s insistence that he saw the history of Atlantis and the above-water continents through the 29^th Century. And Dowling was given insight into the life of a teenage Jesus, which would make for a great program on Fox.

Those persons are all deceased now and presumably busy dropping by séances and haunted houses. But there are many modern proponents left, including those at the Center for Akashic Studies. Its website tells us, “The Akashic Record is a dimension of consciousness that contains a vibrational record of every soul and its journey. It is completely available everywhere. Individual minds do not need to direct this light. Infinite wisdom of light goes where it is needed and received to fulfill its function.” Cost is $500, which seems rather steep for Records described as easily accessible and ubiquitous.

There are different ways of accessing one’s Akashic Record. Depending on the source, the portal may be any one of these: The pineal gland, Osiris, the Orion Nebula, yoga, astral projection, prayer, vibrations, trances, or removing fluoride from your water. The common thread is that the second part of these techniques is paying someone who insists their product is easy for anyone to access. They take credit cards, but ask for the number instead of getting it from the Akashic Record.

Someone calling herself Akemi G wrote, “Accessing Akashic Records is not difficult. It is not a privilege allowed only to a handful of people. And there are many ways to access.” But the best, Akemi assures us, is through her book. As I’m behind on my reading and not yet halfway through Anna Karenina, I pursued another option.

So I moved onto akashictransformations.net. Here I learned, “Everyone can access information from the Akashic Records at any time, and indeed we do! The flashes of intuition and knowing hunches that occur every day are glimpses into the divine wisdom contained in the Akashic Records.”

So we access them inadvertently. But let’s say one is hoping to do it advertently. There’s a word you don’t see it its positive form very often. I suppose it was evitable that I would do that. At any rate, let’s see if I can delve into the Records and have it reveal that Belgian foreign minister’s name. The options for opening the Records to my consciousness include yoga, prayer, and meditation.

The first choice is out. I was never terribly limber, and my aging body would have trouble assuming any yogic position, and almost certainly would be unable of getting out of it.

For prayer, I tried some homages to Thor. But all I could envision was thunder, hammers, and the Chris Hemsworth movie that’s been in my DVR for 10 weeks because I can never wrestle the TV from my kids long enough to watch it. Thinking about that got me all riled, which was surely being noted in my Record, but was getting me no closer to finding that name.  

Next up was meditation. This is probably the last technique I would have tried because I like my water fluoridated. After omming and humming for a while, the name Terrance Schmidt came to me.

That was a whiff. Turned out it was Emile Vandervelde, which I learned from a Google search. Think I’ll stick with that source. It’s quicker than the Akashic record, more accurate, and isn’t $500 per session.