Aluna Joy Yaxkin is a self-described “Earth Oracle and Star Messenger” who offers a variety of services and products to those seeking to also become conduit priestesses and cosmic deliverymen.

Some of them I could go for. There are trips to ruins of Mayan, Incan, Celtic, Druid, and Egyptian peoples. I love travel and like history, so I would enjoy these excursions even if I’m not looking to “awaken the cosmic universal heart” or “anchor and embody the new codes of creation” that these sojourns promise.   

I was most intrigued by the advertised journeys to Atlantis, but learned that they were currently unavailable, as they occur only “as the Spirt directs.”

That leaves us with trips to sacred spots in Greece, Egypt, Wales, Peru, and even Honduras, which is usually not accorded the exotic status bestowed on the other locales. On these spiritual quests, one doesn’t just get to stand in the shadow of the Sphinx, Stonehenge, or Machu Picchu. Travelers will also “resonate with the messages Aluna Joy recovered.” If that fails to excite you, all these sites sell T-shirts.

Here’s what else Aluna Joy says you can expect: “Transcendent experiences are difficult and almost impossible to describe because they are experienced from the Great Mystery of the Universal Heart.” In other words: To those who know, no explanation is necessary; to those who don’t know, no explanation is possible. This allows her to get away with never describing what is happening, what is causing it, why it is beneficial, or why one should pay to attain it. It is also a form of ad hominem since skepticism is dismissed solely because it came from a skeptic.

Aluna Joy goes onto explain, “There is no way to predict when magic will land where we are. We just have to put ourselves out there and keep our eyes open and feel blessed when we see receive gifts from spirit.” But where they land are places considered sacred by New Agers, as there are no pilgrimages to Toledo or Tulsa. Rather, they are to mountaintops, beaches, and ancient shrines, where conditioning, expectation, and communal reinforcement are more likely to lead to a feeling that something spiritual has happened.

Aluna Joy also offers Sacred Site Essences, which she says “act like a homeopathic inoculation of ancient places of peace and power.” If my bullshit translator is functioning properly, she is telling enlightenment seekers that if they can’t afford a trip to Cairo, they can at least buy some piss water from there.  

 She never explains exactly what this liquid is or how it’s accessed, but based on the accompanying photos, it appears that water is collected from sacred sites “during awesome solar and celestial events.” Other than saying the liquid if purified, it offers no other information but does promise it will “help deepen meditation, stir deep healing, and activate ancient wisdom within.”

Most of this site mixes undefined New Age gobbledygook with a misuse of scientific terms. Consider this claim: “Essences made in sacred sites resonate with that particular Sacred Site and Cosmic Event of the day. Each one is unique to the site it was made in. They can never be re-made since energy shifts daily.” She is acting as if each vial she sells is distinguished from the rest. But I could take one vial apiece from Greece, Peru, England, and my bathtub, and Aluna Joy would be unable to tell them apart in a blind test. Water is water, and the only way the time of year will impact it is if it the temperature causes it to freeze.

With dozens of Sacred Site Essences to choose from, how do cosmic consumers know which to select? Aluna Joy advises, “Listen to where your heart is calling you. Read about the individual Essences and listen to which ones are calling you.”

People come to sites like hers because they are searching for answers and they’re not getting that if she tells them to decide. But Aluna Joy does not leave them completely to their desperate devices, for she offers an essence chart. If wanting to anchor deep peace, the U.S. Southwest is the essence for you. Tap into the Grand Canyon libation and await tranquility. If wanting to go multi-dimensional, Egyptian essence is the ticket. This one includes no testimonies, suggesting customers have been trapped in one of those alternate universes. Another offers self-healing, which is defeating the point if you order it from someone else. For healing the planet, go with Hawaiian Essence. Better yet, clean a river or plant a tree.  Another Essence offers assistance with ascension, and for a price much cheaper than a hot air balloon ride.

There are many others, none of which explain why water from any of these places would be different than the others. Nor does the site offer any mechanism for how these powers would work, nor does it ever define “profound expansion,” “heart activation” or “reconnection with star families.”

The descriptions include made up words and phrase that keep it vague enough that Aluna Joy avoids any real claims while giving her plenty of wiggle room to explain what she really means. This is what she says about the Great Mother of Sekhment Truth Serum:

“Use this essence to make great and positive changes in the world. We were allowed to enter the private temple of the great Mother Sekhmet. Her message was that we are to bring forth the inner Mother force within so that we can destroy anything that blocks our path to manifesting energies for the higher good.”

It’s not a very effective truth serum if she’s using it, then claiming an ancient Egyptian goddess told her to channel an inner force in order to attain a greater power.

Also available is the Rainbow Light Empowerment Divine Resonance Essence. This adjective-laden item will “seal in oneself a high frequency, iridescent, protective, rainbow light cloak, and begin empowering oneself through divine resonance. Users will also be blessed with a powerful activation. We absorbed the new light from the birthing sun in meditation and were assisted by Isis, Thoth and Sekhmet.”

Those are rather lame deities if they can’t manifest the product to those who need it instead of using a proxy to sell it in liquid form.

Someone convinced that ancient Egyptian goddesses and the sun are providing empowerment and a protective rainbow cloak in a bottle are desperate for answers and feeling empty in some aspect of life. As such, this magic potion will, at best, provide a respite from the anguish. They will have to keep coming back for different hopes and promises, which is why dozens of types are offered. If the abilities ascribed to these products were true, a person would need to buy only one bottle to attain lifelong bliss.

Besides the trips and magic potions, a third product is offered, in the form of one-on-one sessions. Although to Aluna Joy, there are actually one-on-one-on-hundreds of spirits sessions. For she is accompanied by her imaginary friends, whom she calls Star Elders. She advises these sessions for anyone experiencing the impossibly vague “general resistance to the flow of life.”

More serious is her promise to help those dealing with the trauma of sexual abuse or the horrors of drug addiction. Persons in these situations need medical and psychological help, not someone offering to “clear Karmic patterns,” “diagnose negative programming,” and “unlock DNA-encoded wisdom.”

I suppose I should give the Aluna Joy some credit for her religious tolerance. She offers products infused by deities associated with five different continents. Here website is the most polytheistic source I’ve come across and reads like the logical conclusion of Pascal’s Wager. All gods, goddesses, and incarnated deities are worshipped just to be safe.