Today we’ll consider the delightful notion that every entity above the molecular level leaves a permanent record of its entire history and, when combined with a gizmo doohickey, will cure what ails you.

Proponents call it “quantum holographic healing,” though we will see that it features none of those things. Quantumholographichealing.com tells us, “Everything in the universe constantly gives off a unique energy pattern that remains for all time and can be read by those who know how. Every word, deed, and intention creates a permanent record.” Putting this into our quackery-skeptic translator,we get: “Quantum holographic healing is a modern-day Akashic Record, accessible by those with psychic means, or rather the ability to pay someone who has these psychic means.”

The website insists that E=MC² is the key since matter (a hologram) can be converted into energy (magic healing). I hadn’t realized Einstein suggested his equation had panacea implications.

Pseudoscience red flags are sprinkled throughout the website. First, it highlights what is to come, as opposed to what’s been discovered. “It’s how we will experience wellness 50 years from now. There will be wide-spread acceptance of vibrational medicine.” There would be wide-spread acceptance of it today if had been proven effective, as evidenced by penicillin.

A good example of the scientific illiteracy of this site is this line: “Most medical research focuses on chemicals.” As if this were a bad distinction, or even a changeable one. Since all matter contains chemicals, any medicine – traditional, quantum or otherwise – will necessarily have chemicals.

Another pseudoscience flag is offering a fix that is quick, painless, and relatively cheap ($249): “The solutions we are looking for can be easily found utilizing Quantum mechanics.”

Moving onto how it works, well let’s throw some science terms out and see if a coherent thought emerges. “Every particle of matter, every cell, organ, arm and leg, every disease-causing pathogen has an energetic frequency signature. Your body is continually broadcasting what it needs. We can know instantly from hundreds of miles away exactly what it is you need.”

This is the cusp on a great awakening, we are assured. “If you’re not looking at the state of your health from the perspective of your Quantum Hologram, then you’re still living in the Dark Ages of leaches, bloodletting, and swallowing nostrums. We need to leave that antiquated model behind and step into the modern Quantum World.” After brushing aside the superstitions of yesteryear, the author then segues awkwardly into a contradictory appeal to tradition fallacy (red flag number three). “This Quantum World is very similar to world-wide authentic Native Wisdom. Native cultures all shared the same sacred secret being rediscovered in our understanding of the Quantum Hologram.”

The anonymous author hypothesizes, by which I mean throws out a baseless guess, that, “We are living as three-dimensional beings imbedded in a holographic universe of infinite dimensions. We are perceivers of the Quantum Universe and receivers of the information radiating from the Quantum Holograph. Your Quantum Hologram is the blueprint that determines and builds your three-dimensional world. You either feel ill or well depending on what’s stored in your Hologram. Quantum Holographic Healing changes your Quantum Hologram by erasing harmful pathogenic information so that it cannot manifest in your body.”

He then states that this information may reveal a need to improve diet and exercise habits, which of course would make one healthier without having to tinker with a hologram.

Once we start this tinkering, we find that it can be a panacea, which is read flag number four. Hydrocortisone is used to treat eczema because research and double blind studies showed this to be effective. It would never be used to treat a torn tendon. There are no such restrictions on alternative medicine, so “whether it’s fibromyalgia or sudden diarrhea, your issue comes down to a body imbalance that can be identified by interrogating your Quantum Hologram.”

There’s nothing on the site about Germ Theory, genetics, anatomy, biochemistry, or antibiotics. No time for any of that, for it’s time to start “clearing,” without explaining what is being cleared, how it’s done, or why this is beneficial. It does offer that the device accomplishing this will be the Bicom 2000. This is a small rectangular device with short legs and all kinds of gauges, dials, and buttons. It looks like a CB, although the similarities end there since the CB works as advertised.

In describing this device, it’s time for the website to again sound science-y and see what sticks. “The Bicom 2000 is a receiver-amplifier-broadcaster. It works with wave function and frequency information. A therapy vial containing the quantum information needed to clear the particular issue from your body and therefore from your Hologram, is placed in brass input container. The Bicom 2000 reads and captures that information, makes it stronger, and broadcasts it into your blood spot which in turn, through both quantum entanglement and quantum non-locality, broadcasts it to you and to your Quantum Hologram.” The only part of this that makes any sense is the final sentence: “These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This therapy and/or information is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.”

The website states that a patient’s initial therapy is meant to be balancing (another quack buzzword with no biological or medical meaning). It will also “reset your health field,” another medically meaningless phrase. And, in red flag number five, it will remove toxins from your body, which only the liver and kidneys can accomplish. This hackneyed alt-med claim is taken even further in this instance with the assertion that the technique will prevent future toxins from entering the body.

The author also writes that patients will immediately feel the results, although in the next paragraph he suggests his definition of immediate is “weeks or months.” For while the hologram shift is instantaneous, our lame 3-D bodies take a while to adjust.

Onto red flag number six, which is no peer review or data, but instead anecdotes. Such as one from Stan, who lets us know he has more energy and is feeling great. He adds, “I am now willing to do all you recommend to reach health level 995.” I’m unsure what Bicon 2000 is doing for the patient, but it seems to be getting the doctor unquestioned loyalty.

As to how the practitioner knows hologram healing works, he said his hologram reading revealed this. It has also allowed him to “finally learn my true place in the Universe,” which is presumably to be a pseudoscientific huckster. He also offers that, “Reading energy fields will enable you to distinguish between hard facts and invented stories.” My energy field is letting me know where Quantum Healing lies on that spectrum.