The conflict between Christian fundamentalists and biology is well-documented. The former also has a distaste for astronomy, at least the light years problem. But I recently came across their objections to another branch of science, particle physics. Specifically, they are comparing the Large Hadron Collider with the Tower of Babel.

This began due to a misunderstanding of the Higgs boson’s unofficial name, the God Particle. The Higgs boson is the particle thought to give other particles mass, and it acquired its nickname through the frustration of Nobel-prize winning physicist Leon Lederman. He and his fellow physicists were almost certain the boson existed, but were unable to pin it down, theoretical particles being not all that easy to catch. An exacerbated Lederman took to calling it “the goddamn particle,” and the language was softened for print.

So, then, the Higgs boson has nothing to do with any god or its characteristics, but the toothpaste is already out of the theological tube, so there’s no turning back. Now let’s look at why some people think CERN and its Large Hadron Collider are tampering in the domain of the Judeo-Christian god by searching for this unholy grail.

As it so happens, CERN has not only built the world’s largest and most powerful particle collider, it is also the birthplace of the World Wide Web. And like Frankenstein and Albert Hoffman, its designers can only watch in sorrow as their creation goes bonkers. For the web has enabled any idea, no matter how detached from reality, to be promulgated and embraced. That includes some websites that promote idiosyncratic views of particle accelerators.

We’ll start with the redundant salvationandsurvival.com. This site is maintained by a woman calling herself Belle Ringer, a name so made-up sounding that it has to be genuine.

The bell-ringer writes of the LHC, “Man is trying to become like God. And we know what happens every time we try to break into that barrier that separates us from the throne room of God, right?” Having never attempted to break this deified door, I am unaware. Please enlighten.

Ringer chastises CERN for trying to decipher how matter is created, when Genesis clearly states that God did it. There they go domain-tamperin’ again. And what is with all this Scientific Method and pursuit of knowledge stuff anyway? “Just why do we need this information? Anytime man determines to explain away the sovereignty of God in creating the world by dismissing it as a simple matter of a particle giving mass to other particles, I sense the hair on the back of my neck begin to rise.”

She has completely missed the point of the LHC, which is to better understand the laws of interactions between elementary particles. Then in an evidence-free assertion, Ringer accuses the physicists of trying to open a wormhole. These are theoretical shortcuts that would allow space travelers to get somewhere much more quickly than would Buck Rogers. But according to Ringer, the purpose is to get to Heaven, inside God’s mind, or some similar verboten location. She has a warning for anyone contemplating this cosmic misdeed.

“God destroyed the Tower of Babel and scattered the peoples across the earth, causing them to lose their common language, and reducing them to strange tongues so they couldn’t understand each other and collectively conspire against him. This sure seems to mimic the Biblical story of the Tower of Babel, doesn’t it?”

Well, yes, if you completely misrepresent what LHC is about and equate today’s most brilliant particle physicists with ambitious construction workers in a myth written by Bronze Age Middle East nomads, then it’s the same. This elasticity also allows her to conclude that dark matter sought by physicists is actually the “spiritual forces of evil” that Paul wrote of.

In March of 2013, the boson was tentatively confirmed, and Ringer suggests this opened a diabolical portal. Her evidence is that since then the world has experienced “an increasing amount of evil,” which she makes no attempt to qualify or quantify.

All this is being done because, “Once again, instead of worshipping God, man thinks he can become equal to or greater than creator of the universe. Have we become as arrogant and rebellious as Nimrod building the Tower of Babel that we are about to repeat ancient history?”

Just as I was about to conclude that she was going to offer no evidence for any of this, she drops her Beelzebub bombshell: There is a sculpture of Shiva at CERN headquarters. She points out that Shiva is the Hindu god of destruction, so this proves the purpose of the LHC is to destroy Earth.

As jumping to conclusions go, this represents a world-class leap. It also contradicts everything she had written up to that point. She had presented CERN’s scientists as egomaniacal, power-crazed people hell-bent on overtaking God and controlling the world. But she closes with writing that their intent is to obliterate it. But, wait, an explanation for that is offered on another website, nowtheendbegins.com.

“The significance of the sculpture is that Shiva is shown as first destroying the world, then recreating it,” we are told. The site also quotes a Bengali hymn written in tribute to Shiva, which goes, “You, Dark One, hunter of the burning ground, may dance your eternal dance.”

The author then uses a nifty non sequitur, deducing that “Dark One” and “burning” reference Satan, even though the Bengali text he quoted predates the concept of the dark overlord.

The explanation continues: “The same science that inspired the builders of the Tower of Babel is also behind the work of the people at CERN. Men, who like Satan, said they did not need God to reach Heaven.” My attempt to corroborate this by finding a CERN scientist who had said this came up empty.

Another website making the CERN-Babel connection is Prepare For The Lamb, which warns that, “In Genesis 11, the people spoke the same language and the Lord said, ‘They are united and speak the same language, now nothing they set out to do will be impossible.’ Today, CERN created the World Wide Web, uniting people under one language again.” Using the web to rail against it, I appreciate the irony, intentional or not.

The author cautions that, like the Tower builders, CERN physicists will unleash chaos. “Dark matter can be very dangerous. Demonic spirits live in this dark matter.” He adds that Hindu writings suggest Shiva was studying the same topics as CERN, an idea he said he got by watching Ancient Aliens.

The website also says that the CERN logo makes a 666 symbol. It looks more like 9OS, and you have to ignore the letters C, E, R, and N prominently displayed in the middle. But with a lot of imagination and a little apophenia, pareidolia, and satanic trickery, you might be able to make it out. You can try it here.

Meanwhile, khouse.org employs the Appeal to Consequence to warn against attributing creation to anything other than “the skillfull handiwork of a desginer.” Doing so will prompt a “loss of hope that has caused young people to lose any sense of meaning in life.”

Finally, from a website unfamiliar with URL shorteners, endtimewatchmancommentaries.com, we have this characterization of CERN: “The evil elite are diligently trying to open portals and bring in their evil fathers, Satan and the fallen angels.”

But where would CERN and Satan be without their Luciferian Legions in California? “Hollywood includes images of the Large Hadron Collider in movies, TV, and music videos. CERN is a critical component of the New World Order and will be used to weaponize the demonic hoards.”

This sounds drastic, but it’s not really so bad since Shiva is just going to create another world anyway. Hope he thinks to include chocolate marshmallows in it.