In a world that some people think is flat and others think is inhabited by leprechauns, there are plenty of topics for me to choose from for this blog. But for an uproarious romp through the skeptic landscape, nothing tops the Reptilian Humanoid Theory.

This is the idea that blood-drinking, shape-shifting aliens from the Alpha Draconis star system hunker in bunkers and plot world dominion. They need human blood to shift from Reptilian to humanoid form and can render lowly homo sapiens into a catatonic state by staring at us. Most of the world leaders are Reptilian, or at least related to them. Human fear gives them strength, so they cause war, famine, and disease in a continuing cycle. They also control the media, though this seems almost superfluous for a conspiracy theorist to bother mentioning.

The man most responsible for spreading the idea is former British soccer player David Icke. He argues that Reptilians are referenced in a Babylonian creation myth, where they are dubbed the Anunnaki. Icke has no problem borrowing from other religious stories to create a Reptilian hodgepodge. For instance, he says Anunnaki later bred with humans, with the offspring being mentioned in the Apocrypha. He also suggests Adam was the first Reptilian.

Icke seldom offers evidence, leaving that to his minions. One YouTube video claims to  show a Secret Service agent transforming into reptile form. It references “a series of odd features on his head and face,” without explaining what is out of the ordinary. It also attributes to the agent “very strange behavior and creepy movements,” the speaker’s term for a Secret Service agent looking around observantly. In truth, the agent does look different in the second shot, as it was from a long distance, is out of focus, and in a dark room. The presenter reaches the conclusion that whatever mystery technology kept the agent from reverting to Reptilian form had malfunctioned.

Another believer, writer Zecharia Sitchin, argues the Anunnaki came to Earth for an undiscovered-by-man mineral that allows Reptilians to store huge amounts of information and rapidly travel an inter-dimensional highway.

Reptile men have been featured in many literature works, from H.P. Lovecraft, to the tales of Atlantis, to the Sleestak. The Reptilian theory may have its genesis in these stories. Icke adds a bigoted spin to the idea by asserting the Anunnaki bred with a blond-hair, blue-eyed, extraterrestrial species called the Nordics, producing the superior Aryan race. Some opine Reptilian is thus doublespeak for Jew. This is highly unlikely, since Icke is plenty anti-Semitic without resorting to code.

In his teachings there are three kinds of beings. First, we have the Red Dresses, Icke’s illogical description of our scaly tormenters. Second, we have those those who believe and do exactly what Red Dresses tell them to, the Sheeple. Third, we have those who believe and do exactly what Icke tells them to, the Mad Ones.

The Sheeple include a subset, dubbed the repeaters, who obediently pass Reptilian propaganda onto the masses. The repeaters include all doctors, scientists, teachers, and journalists.

From a skeptic perspective, the points are impossible to disprove. Even if we did something like a DNA test to see if one of the alleged Reptilians was human, our coldblooded overlords are conceded so much power, proponents would say they manipulated the results. Like any good conspiracy theory, any evidence that disproved it would be part of the sinister plan. Counterpoints aren’t worth messing with. For one thing, the burden of proof always lies on the person making the claim. Second, supporters of an idea like this won’t be inconvenienced by evidence, logic, and reason.

I have yet to come across a Reptilian advocate. But I have met Bob Dole, so if they’re right, I have found a Reptilian.