Tachyons are theoretical particles that move faster than warp speed, have negative mass, and travel backwards in time. They would be unknown outside the world of advanced theoretical physics were it not for being occasionally referenced on shows like Star Trek Voyager.

There is no evidence for tachyons, they have no known use even if they exist, and there is no method of capturing them even if they exist and have a use. Nevertheless, several websites purporting to harness tachyon power sell products such as beads, belts, blankets, lotions, oils, pillows, sweatbands, tablets, wafers, and wraps. Pretty much everything except the kitchen sink, although I suppose if you cleaned yours often enough with tachyon water, you’d have that, too.

The Carbondale Center for Macrobiotic Studies reports that, “The Tachyon Field supplies the energy needs of all living organisms until balance is achieved. Whenever depletion occurs, tachyons rush in until balance happens again.” And the company will sell you this product, which everyone has a naturally recurring, inexhaustible supply of.

It further states, “The nervous system and brain are a sophisticated antenna and receiver that absorb, process, and transform resources of the Tachyon Field.” These sophisticated antennas apparently work best in conjunction with the company’s $75 shoe inserts. Tachyon products are also sold for dogs and cats, with nary a canine or feline consumer complaint yet.

The Advanced Tachyon Technologies website suggests Nikola Tesla tapped into tachyon energy when he tried developing an alternative to AC generators. He didn’t finish, but, no worries, the work of a pioneering engineer genius will be completed by an untested theory using a tachyon doo-rag.

Yet another site claims to have developed a tachyonization process, although the inventor has yet to apply for a patent. He explains that unsavory lawyers would file baseless patent infringement suits, and the costs associated with defending himself would deprive consumers of $50-a-bottle consciousness-raising pills. It also sells Tachyonized Water, which some New Age gurus think has flowed from the Fountain of  Youth. If they’re reading this 200 years from now, they were right.

Going deeper into the site, we learn that “Most people exist in a fragmented, horizontal energy system. Becoming vertical in our energy flow is a way of accelerating our shift in consciousness.” When I want to leave my fragmented, horizontal state and access increased consciousness, I get out of bed. Another suggestion is, “To gain extra energy, regenerate connective tissue, and clear the mind, we recommend tapping the Subtle Organizing Energy Field, or SOEF.” Furniture to the rescue again, as when I want these benefits, I access the SOFA.

The company also makes clear that their internal products work from the inside out. That would seem obvious, but I guess in the time-traveling, negative-mass, beyond-light-speed world of tachyons, one should never assume anything.

Heralding another product, the site announces, “This is a catalyst or energy source for the evolution of self-organizing systems to greater and greater states of order. They protect from electromagnetic dangers by energizing subtle organizing energy fields. It has a variety of special applications and offers deep, lasting rejuvenation. It contains botanical component extracted from the aqueous solution of rare algae. It stimulates the metabolic actions of the body so that the body can fight illness and or disease.” This product cures every ailment except muddled writing.

At one point, the site stresses the importance of “interacting with the lepton family, beginning with a pion.” Now, a pion is not a lepton, but a meson. Maybe they just let their secret slip, and the key to harnessing tachyons is converting a pion into lepton form. If you don’t know how to do that, you can still be part of this. Because while these sites misuse medical, scientific, and mathematical vernacular, the one term they use correctly is multi-marketing.